Life Tip #1
How and Why You Need to Stop Lying
The main reason to stop lying is it harms your own sense of self-worth. The other best reason is you are hurting the person you are telling a lie.
“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
I have observed that liars feel they increase or protect their self-worth when really exactly the opposite is true. By lying you are telling yourself that the truth of you is of so little value it is not worth talking about and you need enhancement. The flip side is it makes the receiver feel that there is something wrong with them that you think they can’t handle the truth. It also makes them feel, or realize, that you place no value on the relationship because you are willing to falsify it with lies. In that way you chip away at any chance of genuine trust and deepening of dependency. Those two things, which may very well be the definitions of a loving partnership, are not easy to recuperate.
If you lie to me than I can never be sure you are not lying to me. I can not depend on someone who I am not positive is being straight with me. I am not talking about white lies over “do I look fat in these pants”. I am talking about serious matters of life. Things like “did you get to the bank in time?” If you lie about things that really matter and the lie is discovered you have just contributed to the destruction of the relationship. How much destruction you’ve caused is up to the receiver. How much weight do they put on one lie and how willing are they to believe the next thing that comes from your lips. Perhaps they distinguish between white lies and whoopers, maybe they don’t. An accomplished skillful liar will quickly figure this out and adjust him or herself accordingly. In light of that, when you find you are lied to it is best to confront the liar head on and let them know you have no interest in carrying on with a deceiver. If they continue to lie and you continue to let them the relationship is doomed. If it is doomed from the start be wise and end it. The liar is essentially telling you that you are not worth partnering with. I don’t want to hear your response to the truth because I don’t value your input, is essentially what the liar is telling you. If you value truth and equal input with a partner this is an insurmountable mountain. Fool me once and all that.
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
There is only one way to stop lying and it is to make a decision to only tell the truth. If you are deep into the habit of telling lies this may mean you need to stop talking altogether while you retrain your mind. “If your lips are moving you are telling a lie.” You may not be that extreme, but you might find that you are once you begin analyzing what you say. The retraining trick is to think about what you want to say before you say it. Once you have decided you want to tell the truth all of the time and stop hurting those around you, it will be easy to change. In the beginning, after you have decided to stop being a liar, stopping and analyzing before speaking is the key. Really repeat what you want to say, in your head, even if you miss the opportunity to say it because the conversation is forging ahead without you. That’s okay, there is nothing wrong with not speaking. Unless you are not speaking to omit a truth which is the same as lying! You have the right to be a little less talkative if it is for the greater good in the end. If you have been in the habit of lying for a long time give yourself a long time to practice this rethink process. It is the only hope of retraining yourself.
You may need to forgive yourself as well. Stop beating yourself up for past lies and congratulate yourself that you have made a quality decision to stop. I thank you for your decision to be a teller of truth! You enhance rather than detract from the human experience by being genuine, so good job! Not to hurt your feelings but if everyone around you knows you are a liar they probably welcome the absence of your input. It sounds harsh, but if you have been lying to the same person for a long time they will be glad you are quiet. Be careful not to turn to sarcasm as an alternative because sarcastic people can be just as hurtful as a liar.
George Washington
Caroline Leaf, a noted neurologist has concluded it takes twenty-one days to learn a new thought pattern, habit of thinking. She has some really good illustrations in her youtube videos that show that brain matter is actually formed in positive or negative colors that reflect what we are thinking about. Give yourself twenty-one days of reflective thought to retrain yourself. “I am not a liar, everything that comes from my lips is truth”. Mean it and do it!
On the spiritual aspect of lying the Bible, God is not silent. In Proverbs, He says the liar hates the person to whom he tells lies. In Revelation, it says the lake of fire is for every one that loveth and maketh a lie. Elsewhere it is noted that God hates lying.
Taking all that into account wouldn’t you be safer to take the high road of honesty and overall integrity. After all, if you lie in the small things who will trust you with the bigger matters of life and love? Meaning even a little lie is not okay. You are in control of yourself. To lie is a decision. Retrain yourself and regain your self-respect and the love of those you have inflicted. Even if you are not a Christian you owe it to humanity to do the best you can in all things.
Please let me know if I can provide further assistance or articles that may help in your quest to change.
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