A few years ago, I found myself lost in a nightmarish depression.
This debilitating illness had frequented my life since the age of seventeen, the product of several life-altering traumas. It was an all too familiar sadness, one I’d typically numb with copious amounts of booze or other ineffective avocations. But this was my most hopeless state yet.
I knew from experience that pain was often a passing storm, that if I held out long enough the sun would eventually shine once more. But this tempest lingered. It felt dangerous, more cynical than any before. It ravaged me completely, and worse - my usual escapes weren’t working.
The pivotal morning came: I was lying in bed, fetal position, hungover with mascara stained cheeks, alarm clock silenced for the third time, and suddenly became suffocated by the heavy awareness that the darkness was winning. It had devoured me so thoroughly I knew I'd only two options left, take immediate action to somehow alleviate my sadness, or let the sickness take my life.
As a mother who loved her two young daughters more than anything, I refused to consider the latter.
Knowing the root of my depression was a combination of love I'd lost, a lack of self-love, and an inability to feel the love that still existed for me, a small idea inside me sparked. Maybe if I gave away the thing I’m missing, it’ll somehow return to me.
Even with the possibility that my heart might not heal from this endeavor, I decided that if someone was out there feeling the way I felt, I wanted to be a break in the clouds for them. To offer a small comfort or hope.
If I couldn’t feel happy, could I at least help someone else feel happy? The thought alone made me lighter.
Realizing that I likely wasn’t alone in my depression gave me a purpose. A reason to get out of bed. And that very day, I took action.
My sister joined me in a 30 Day Give Love Campaign. We’d spend an entire month delivering love throughout our beautiful city of Colorado Springs, CO, nestled in the sunbathed foothills of the Rocky Mountains. One small act of love each day, with the simple intention to make a stranger smile and feel the warm glow of happiness if only for a moment.
I didn’t know at the time that it would be the most profound, potent cure for depression I’d ever known.
Here are a few photos from that life changing month:
(Had I known I’d one day be sharing them with you beautiful Steemians, I would’ve used a nicer camera!)
By the time the thirty days were through, I was transformed.
The giving gave way to unforgettable moments, new friendships, bonding with my sister and children, and a renewed self-worth. A warmth ignited inside of me. I started finding gratitude for the simple abundance that surrounded my every day. I could feel love all around me.
I remembered the dream I'd had since my early youth, to be of service and love my neighbor, to do my best at making the world a better place. And although that means something more to me than just this experiment, the experience energized me when I felt I had nothing left. It gave me a reason to rise each morning.
I'd been filled with joy inexpressible and discovered the most potent cure for depression, was simply giving love and happiness away. Sometimes it was our smallest acts which made the most impact.
Everything about my life had been made new. And now whenever depression comes for an unwelcomed visit, which still happens from time to time, I get to work.
After all, I know from experience, that a gift from a broken heart creates miracles, and I still have so much left to give!
