(5:24 P. M. ; 19-03-2018)
A place I fear the most on earth; it is never grassy, never the wilderness, never the forest at night time, never the cliff where I usually jump. That place is never a dangerous zone because that place is the one that is in danger. That place is not lonely but it cause loneliness to me. I fear that place because I would never wish to be in its status.
And that place is the world of a boy that I love. I would never wish to switch places with you. Even though sometimes I get jealous of you because I chose you even though you are never that way to me. I fear your place because I know I can always choose to let go of you even though I love you very much. What if one day, you will fall in love deeper to me and I am already loosing the sight of love? What if one day I will be just still and waiting for you to let go. Isn't it painful? Like, how you think I can never afford anything if I let you go well in fact I can always choose to stay away without any doubts.
Your place is in danger actually, because I know I stand in your life with a big purpose and you always expected me to do something for you in which I am unconditionally do. I am not saying I am tired now despite of all the situations you had taken for granted. Anyhow, I feel happy for helping you, I feel blessed seeing you and I feel content of what I feel, one sided or not, everything will point out an ending. I want the ending of us to be another start of our continuation.
If I come to a situation that I might fall out of love, what I fear is your respond. What I fear is to see you crawling, what I fear is to hear you begging, what I fear is to witness you crushing your pride in front of me just to let me stay. Because if I leave, boy, I will leave.
What I fear is watching you in hard situation without someone who can help out because I know you, you are dependent to someone you can count on, and if you got nothing then you got nothing at all. You are that person who can never settle alone. I love you but it does not mean that I cannot leave you if you ever overkill my patience.
Giving time: for me the easiest thing yet the most important, giving time is one of the basics in a relationship. But howcome a lot of chances you never grabbed because your "busy" like hey boy, I am busy too. And why is that I can set everything aside for the mean time and give you attention that you need. In other hand, how can you ignore and deny my request if I need you? Now come on, is it cool? Is it cool having me? Because it is never cool having a boyfriend that acts like that by the way.
A certain thought actually, I am concern to you, that followed by love, then followed by goodness and being responsible is a must.
If everything switches between us then I will be ready, because your world is in danger. I may be in pain now but if you keep on playing around, then back up yourself with all that you got, because you never know my other plans. I do not fear loosing you because you had never gave me a reason to worry about letting you go. Rather, you must be afraid if you will loose me, because I created a very well engineered foundation in your world that only my absence can destroy it eventually. And that foundation I know, is the one that gives you a lot of meanings to love yourself and live it with a good purpose.
Helping you is a pleasure simply because I love you unconditionally, and I know deep inside my brain, some neurons are generating a thought of giving up. Why? The reason is simply because I sometime feel that I am inside a "one sided themed" relationship. And it does not sound that good, also it does not feel satisfying at all, because I know my worth. But waiting for my feelings to voluntarily quit is a good thing for me to recover properly if anything happens.
I know why you are not letting go, boy I know. Because I am too good at making you feel perfect. Yes I know. So be mindful, that I have my decisions you may never see its coming. I am not saying I can replace you anytime, because I do not have the plan to replace you. A persons absence in my life does not create to much of bad effects, because people are just impurities in my world, good or bad. Still, I know myself, and I know it more than anyone. I know what I need and I know what is better off without.
I am still happy now, yes I am happy but less than yesterday. Just do not wait to realize who I am until you loose me. Because as I said, If I leave, boy, I will leave.
(shoanthony : done typing?)
