You feel emotionally wrecked for months, I remember I cut off my connection from humanity; I worked myself like a dog into the depths of the night and exhausted myself to sleep. Everything was better than the pain I had been through.
After a bad breakup people, toss themselves in a realm of self-imposed harm. In search of a rebound, they end up dating the wrong people all over again, causing further damage, harm and suffering to their already-battered existence. Even though they yearn to feel again, they end up suffering from emotional blockages. The best thing to do at this point is to stop trying and to figure out what went wrong.
You feel emotionally wrecked for months, I remember I cut off my connection from humanity; I worked myself like a dog into the depths of the night and exhausted myself to sleep. Everything was better than the pain I had been through.
What happened everyday? I wouldn’t actually be able to explain it but I do know that life was hard and I was in a constant struggle to keep my head above the water. It hurt to breathe sometimes and my insecurities got the best of me. One day, my life was a fairytale and the next day, I would be on the floor, crying, curled up in the corner of my room too dumbfounded to figure out what went wrong.
It felt like someone had picked me up from the heights of heaven and thrown me into a dark under-city sewage, and I had no way out. I didn’t even feel human anymore. I felt like an animal most of the time, tired of tricks and tired of letting my guard down over and over again. I was manipulated and my own words were twisted against me.
I was forced to believe that I was the weak link in our relationship. While in reality, I was the one trying with all my heart to hold things in place. Boy, was he a beautiful liar; I haven’t seen anyone look so good while lying to my face. I felt ashamed of myself for letting him breach my walls over and over again. With time, I should have transitioned into hating him, into realizing he would never do good to be but instead, I fell weaker, more vulnerable and was becoming easier to be manipulated.
You have no idea what it's like to be with a manipulative liar, you start emotionally bleeding out. You feel like you have been cut over and over again in the same place, but only deeper each time. Your time together throws you in a fit of anxiety. Depression slowly starts to gauge the little pieces of your soul.
The worse part is, they always come back; as soon as you start to heal yourself, as soon as you start to break through, they come back and so do all your insecurities. You feel like an abused child with no control over life. They beg to come back, they play games with you all over again but you have to find courage within yourself to resist.
These coherent men draw you in easily, with their charm and good looks. I don’t know why women try to fix everything. Why we feel sorry about people who don’t feel sorry for themselves. Even though you want to have nothing to do with them, you grasp onto the hope that they might change for good. After all, you gave all you had to a relationship that fell apart like biscuit crumbs. Even though you want to see change, you want nothing to do with them.
Pushing them away is a whole new war. Even while you decline, you wish you would get the answer to every question your heart holds. You feel like punching them hard, running into their arms, while wanting to throw up, all at the same time. You walk away, reliving the nightmare all over again. This time, within minutes. You switch from almost walking back to hating them again. It takes every ounce of veracity you have to restrain your tears.
You feel heavy as if someone just put the world on your shoulders. You get thrown over by guilt and anger, all the wounds you healed through months of effort seem to have been ripped open all over again, but this time, it hurts a bit less, and they heal a bit faster. You grow a little stronger.
I see no point in dating again, when your soul is too weak to carry on, the only thing you would do is hurt the person you date, and somehow pushing yourself further down the dark alley of melancholy. You will feel void, because your mind and soul are not yet ready to invest further emotion in a relationship, just to see it end. All emotions feel alienated at the end of such a relationship.
It’s been years, but I still have trust issues.
I walk with my insecurities every day. Some part of the abuse never leaves your side; you gradually just learn to live with all of it. You push your fears aside, little by little every day, and you finally learn to lift your head up.
Dating was supposed to be about falling in love with the right person and making them your forever after! No one ever told me about all this feud and drama. Was I incapable of sustaining a long-term relationship? When you finally take a look into it, you realize it wasn’t you who was the weak link. You suffered because of the wrong decision you took in the very beginning of the relationship, the decision of letting the wrong person into your life.