Most of us have an intellectual understanding that infatuation and falling in love are different than mature loving. Some of us are still chasing the adolescent version of romance and can wind up perplexed as to why things keep not working out. I consider myself fairly well versed when it comes to dating but found myself still being attracted to the wrong people and couldn’t figure out how to stop it. I honestly began to feel like I was doomed and secretly decided I did not think an intimate relationship was ever going happen for me.
My question to myself was: Is there a way to change this pattern that I can “get” immediately?
The following is going to show why it is so important to stop chasing infatuation, what our relationships do to us and how to change our direction so we stop recreating the drama.
The brain structures of two loving people are changed so that they begin to sense the world in the same way. ~Blink, a General Theory of Love
First the Bad
When we fall in love or become infatuated with someone and they are not good for us it changes our brain structure. But if the connection is one sided or abusive it changes us and not for the better. This we see in victims of domestic violence ot people that get involved with narcissistic sociopaths. The reason this happens lies in our childhood.
Our limbic brain is the part of the brain that s responsible for creating our attachments which are necessary for our healthy growth. The problem is when our attachments do not get formed in a healthy way we will then form attachments to people that match our dysfunctional creating of brain patterns.
So, now you know,when you feel that rush of intense yearning that is indicative of infatuation or falling it’s most likely your childhood patterns being activated. When this happens you cannot see the person clearly at all and usually don’t realize something is wrong until you start feeling PAIN. Just breaking this down like this was enough to begin to regard that intense attraction feeling akin to putting my hand on a hot stove!
So,that’s enough to keep me from giving into the that feeling...but now what?
Changing Our Brain Structure On Purpose
The first thing we need to do is take a good hard look at the people we spend time with. Are your friends people with good character and high values? If not, if we want to be successful in not only our relationships but also other areas of our life like our health and our career we need to be mindful of who we spend our precious time with. Simple as that. Simple,maybe not easy, but necessary.
The second thing we want to seriously consider is psychotherapy geared specifically with this end in mind ~ to change our brain structure in the area of intimate relationships with a qualified therapist. We are talking psychic surgery. I know some people would not normally consider it because they may feel there’s nothing wrong with me. But, this is not about there being something wrong with you. If your relationships lack the joy and intimacy that you crave then why wouldn’t you go to any length to make it happen?
I hope this essay inspires you to understand that if you are not getting the love you want you understand that there is nothing wrong with you, we all deserve love,we always have and we can do something about it.
What do you think?
Images from Unsplash