One of the most personal, challenging moments I have faced in my life is having loved someone for so long, yet finding myself in a space where they more often than not annoy, frustrate, irritate and anger me. Or rather, where the worst of me is triggered in their company and presence. Essentially getting on my most sensitive nerves for the majority of the time, leading me to feeling more despondent and resistant towards them, than love.
When I became aware of the above, I had this sickening panic in the pit of my stomach while searching back and forth through the memories of our relationship when, where, how, why, where and who contributed to me, and to us being where I experienced the relationship to be at the time. It was clear that somewhere down the line of our relationship, a shift happened, and all of a sudden finding myself feeling as though there is more negative emotions than the enjoyment, fun, laughter, excitement, desire, passion and love there used to be…What scared me the most in that moment was the fact that I could "find" those good feelings in me anymore, as if the feelings that were there in the beginning are gone, so a part of me inside myself died with it as well. I experienced myself as this deeply depressed, empty, alone shell.
I asked myself:
•Is this how it's supposed to be?
•Do all relationships start off ONLY GOOD and then end up MAINLY BAD with flimsy, fleeting moments of good emerging?
•Is there something wrong with ME?
•Where did everything go wrong?
•Why don't I recognize myself?
•Why am I not recognizing me in this relationship?
•Are they going to want someone better, more fun, younger, spunky, brighter, spontaneous than me - the ME who seems to be the opposite of all of that as I find myself in this darkened persona of myself I haven't ever recognised before?
Walking through these questions, I realised it wasn't so much the fact that I was afraid of losing myself or the relationship - I was more afraid of the ME I had become, seemingly without me even really realising it…as though I'd been asleep in my own mind and life, only to wake up in this panic-stricken state of fear, wondering what happened to me.
What 'awoke' me from this state of sleep was this moment of reflecting back on the beginning of the relationship to where I was at the time, me THEN VS. NOW. It was shocking. So much so…it shook me enough to really look into all the dimensions I shared above.
This one event made me reflect on all my relationships: who had I become in them? I'd never asked myself that question. Upon doing so, I found myself in a space of wanting to walk away from all my relationships. I didn't like so many aspects of who I had become in all of them. There was more 'bad' than 'good' and so I argued with myself that, "because they have all turned bad, sour, unpleasant - the OPPOSITE of what it was and COULD BE: I have to end them."
Oh the extremes to which my mind can go! Purely only looking at reality in 'black and white', when there's SO MUCH MORE complexity to it, it is near impossible to polarise any one thing to such extremes.
Through much introspection and reflection, I came to realise the following:
•The core problem was me basing my relationship only on HOW I FEEL (good and bad). So, the moment I FELT BAD, I believed the RELATIONSHIP WAS BAD.
•Reality sunk in: I'm going to have good days and bad days. Good moments and bad moments during an entire day. In a relationship - there are going to be PHASES we individually and together go through that's going to be tough, challenging, problematic etc.
•With most my relationships reaching a stage where it felt like it was bringing out the worst in me, the common denominator being me: I have to introspect, investigate, reflect, forgive and change whatever darkness haunts and looms my thoughts and emotions to create from within me, such a depressive and somber outlook / view towards my life and everything / everyone within it
•I willed myself to wake up every morning, remind myself that it is a new day. In this new day there are going to be varying moments of ups and downs. To elevate myself for a moment with the good times and in the sorrow of the bad times, support myself to learn from the mistakes I make in a way that contributes to my growth, maturity and change.
Overall, I realized that the moment I become startled by the reflection of myself in the mirror of the present, when looking back at the past: I have allowed myself to become a 'me' I did not consciously give permission for. Meaning, somewhere along the path of time - circumstance, conditions, moments, my own thoughts and emotions - caused me to drift inside myself and suddenly find myself in a space and experience inside myself where it feels like I don't know who I am, how I got to become the me I see, what to do with myself and my life now, how I can change, where to start changing…and so much more.
In the next post I will continue sharing more practical every day life examples I've adopted to secure (as much as possible) my self and living process in a way where I do not lose touch with the 'best version of me I can possibly live' in my every day life and everything / everyone within it.