Pure love.
My three month old son laughed for the first time today when I tickled his belly. I have been waiting for this day, the moment of true happiness. Even if I try, I cannot express in words the amount of love I feel for my kids. Is there, could there be a love more pure than the love parents have towards their kids?
Everyday, I am seeing them grow. I see a new change in them and I think to myself-'hang on, I haven't even lived this moment yet, I haven't been able to savour this moment completely- what is the hurry?'
I am holding on tight to these memories and yet, these moments are slipping away, like sand from my hands. I click pictures, I write down dates and jot these moments down in my memory lane and yet, as days go by I fail to remember so many precious moments and it breaks my heart.
When I look at my daughter, I fail to remember the first word she said, I have to look it up in my dairy, I fail to remember the first day she smiled, I do remember her smile- you know the slightly crooked smile they give when they are first learning to smile, the smile that is not just a reflex; but when was the first time she actually smiled? how did it make me feel the first time? I remember how sloppy her kisses were and I remember not knowing they were kisses until my maternal healthcare told me so.
Now, my daughter is almost 5 and my son 3 month old and yet I can't remember how tiny they were when they were born. The are both gaining weight, out growing their clothes and yet they seem so little. My daughter is talking, jumping, dancing and soon she will start school- time is flying and I can't do anything about it. I can't stop it, I am trying to live every moment and yet, somehow, I feel like I am missing out, like with every blink of an eye I missed something precious.
I want them to grow up and yet I want them to stay like this forever. I can see pure love in my children's eyes, this love the I will never see again, the innocent, pure, unadulterated love. I know that when she looks at me and says 'I love you momma' she means every word of it, I know when she tells me that 'I am the best mum in the whole world' she truly meant it. I know when she hugs and kisses me she truly wanted that, or when I ask for a hug she will be the happiest to give me her love. I know when she goes to childcare and makes paintings for me she really wanted to give me something that will make me smile. She puts in an effort each day, everyday, to make us smile but the truth of it is- this will all change, there will come a time when she will not need me, when she will be able to make her own decisions, when both of them will know that perhaps I am not the best mum in the whole world, I know that they will not have time for me as they will have their own lives and they will be busy. I want them to be independent, I want them to be happy, live their life to fullest, I want them to reach a stage of life so independent that they don't need me but I am not ready for that just yet. So, I will hold them a little longer, I will tell them I love them as many times as I can, I will read another story and dance one more time, fill their tickle jar one more time until they tell me to stop-just to hear their laugh.