As I go deeper into my feelings and what was once my sub conscious and unconscious self, I find ever more electrical layers in me that are thoughtforms that have stuck with me for many years - keeping me stuck in what seemed at the time to be salvation, but which in truth were self created traps... Let's explore the one I found today!
As thinking and feeling beings, we are directly affected through our feelings and our thinking is altered by our feelings. If we do not fully understand the need for real feelings and their use to us, we might easily decide that they are problems that need to be controlled or rejected.
In my case, I found that when I was at school - as a young boy - I was programmed and conditioned to think and feel that if I showed my fears then I would be attacked.. After all, bullies, like dogs (allegedly) smell fear!
Instead of realising or being guided to realise that I need to listen to my fears, accept them and allow them to evolve - I decided to control them and hide them. This 'hero shield' program was designed to give an impression of being 'worthy' and strong and unshaken to those around me, so that they would not attack me; however, gradually this proved that it only worked up to a point and in the long run has caused considerable pain and injury to me.
(Note: 'Hero Shield Program' sounds A LOT like some kind of American military program, alleged to 'protect against terror').
As long as we are in denial of our real feelings, even if we are denying them for what we think is a very good reason - we are not being our full self and are actually weaker. We introduce the potential for all manner of self destruction and dysfunction this way too. Perhaps you can see more now of why so many soldiers (soul-diers) commit suicide after being programmed with 'hero' and 'warrior' mentalities in their training and propaganda programming sessions in military schools?
In my own case, this self control program brought with it a general desire (barely noticed) to generally want to control my emotions to stop them 'distracting me' (while thinking) and also, as mentioned, to stop them appearing to make me look 'weak'. It has taken a lot of time, work and energy to bring my consciousness back to a state of innocence and full integrity, such that I can look at this again and clear out the old programs.
I was drawn into this subject today by noticing how I was being triggered into anger by people close to me, even when I knew mentally that I could see the situation in a way that didn't anger me. This was a clue that told me that my anger was not caused by these other people, but by something inside of me that is much older than their presence.
I realised that my anger at these people was because they were causing me to feel certain feelings that I had classed as being 'unruly', 'uncomfortable' or 'imbalanced' - they had stopped my plan of controlling myself and I was angry with them.
I quickly realised that since I already know that self emotional control is counter productive, I needed to clear out these old beliefs which say that I must control myself. After having forgiven myself for believing and judging for so long that my emotions need to be controlled and releasing these old judgments, I can see and feel clearly that this was sorely needed for me to feel peaceful.
Now, instead of being angry with the other people who trigger me emotionally in some way that I do not prefer, I can more easily process the situation without any hostility and reach understanding of what is needed for balance to be increased even more. Real anger is not wrong, it moves to keep us safe, however - false anger and other false feelings - can be caused by our own incorrect belief systems and they do not serve us, they are only useful to help us track down the false beliefs that cause them in us so that we can clear them out.
If someone is really causing me a problem and I feel that the issue is in them, rather than them being a reflection of my own issues that I need to face - I can now allow my real feelings to tell me and if I need to move away I will do... Or maybe, if they are open - then I can help them directly.
There's a lot to let sink in here - although it's just a short post. How many more of the dysfunctions in our societal structures, such as courts, governments and schools are taking their form from dysfunctional beliefs, programs and habits we hold but don't even know we hold? My answer to that is: All of them ;)
Wishing you well,
Ura Soul
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