There is a lot of confusion surrounding this. I think a lot of healthy behaviors have unfortunately been branded as needy and a lot of unhealthy behaviors are often associated with love.
So what's the difference between LOVE and NEEDINESS?
First of all, we need to define love.
To me, love isn't some crazy screwball energy that forces me to give away my power and to act like a moron. That's what Hollywood teaches us about “true love” but it just isn't true.
Another thing I never liked about our culture's idea of love was that supposedly it's something you “fall in”.
I don't “fall in love” I CHOOSE TO LOVE.
Be careful of the language you use.
Choose your romantic phraseology wisely.
“Falling in love” is CUTE, but it is an unhealthy phrase because it implies a loss of control.
And I never liked the idea that “Attraction is not a choice”.
Correction:
We all have FREE WILL.
Attraction is not a choice for the average Barbie and Ken doll who live their entire lives brainwashed by what is shown on TV.
Attraction IS A CHOICE to anyone with independent thoughts and an open, balanced Heart. Once the heart is opened, mating instincts are no longer the driving force behind all of our decisions, choices, and actions.
Now, those of you who are ready to truly open your hearts; don't be surprised if you feel vulnerable and sensitive as a result. This is normal.
This is why I always say, “Unconditional Love MINUS Putting up with crap = Happy.”
Open your heart, but not to everybody!
Now, why do we feel so vulnerable and sensitive when we open our hearts?
It's because we live in a fucked up world. This is why the average heart is only 3-5% open.
War, dis-ease, poverty, violence, hatred, jealousy, control, terrorists, rape victims, serial killers, and the mean girl who laughed at you in high school.
It's perfectly safe to open your heart, but only with people that will be nice to your heart. The moment you feel that feeling of discomfort in your solar plexus, learn to TRUST that feeling and get the hell away from this person.
That uncomfortable feeling in your solar plexus is designed to protect you, but you must listen to it. Trust me, if you opened your heart to someone who ended up lying and cheating, it only got to that point because you chose to actively ignore your solar-plexus chakra.
You gave away your power and let things go too far.
WHAT IS LOVE?
Love is an appreciation for something, or someone, or for yourself.
APPRECIATION.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Now you know what TRUE LOVE is. It is not some magical, all-powerful force that can make or break you.
I know about the thing where babies die if they aren't loved, and I'm not doubting the importance of love. I'm just trying to separate love from the energy of DRAMA.
Have you noticed that so many energies seem to latch on to love?
You know what? I hear this one all the time. People who use LOVE as a justification for their STUPIDITY.
“But I love him!”
I hear this stuff all the time from friends, so what I do is tell her (or him) to replace the word LOVE with the word APPRECIATE. I do that with couples all the time, and it helps them to realize that they are mistaking love with neediness.
WHAT'S NEEDINESS?
Neediness, on the other hand, is obviously fear-based.
Think of someone who is “Dear to you”. With this person in mind, I'd like you to try on the following three sentences:
“I love [person]”
“I need [person]”
“I appreciate [person]”
Which one feels the healthiest and most peaceful to you?
Neediness is the underlying assumption that you are not complete unless you have some Barbie or Ken doll hanging off of you.
Neediness goes away completely when the following three conditions are met:
1- You have internalized the belief, “I AM Enough.”
2- You have balanced your Yin and Yang energies
3- You live in THE NOW.
HOW DO I KNOW I'M FEELING LOVE AND NOT NEEDINESS?
For one thing, Neediness is an energy that tends to live in the past and/or the future.
For example, someone dumps you, and for months you keep torturing yourself, thinking about the good times. That's not love, it's NEEDINESS.
Another example is that of CRUSHING on someone. Crushing is the act of making cute little movies in your head about being with someone in the future. Again, that's not love, that's neediness.
LOVE IS IN THE HERE AND NOW.
Also, try to forget this, “Until death do us part”. It's unhealthy. It's NEEDINESS disguised as virtue and love. It was appropriate at one time, but the time has come now for the religions to update themselves. It's time to revise the old rules.
I like commitment, and I think it's a very healthy and beautiful energy. But I choose to balance that energy with the energy of FREEDOM.
For example, I'm very loyal and committed to my sweetie, but the moment a person starts backstabbing me, lying to me, or trying to control me, I'm gone.
Love is an emotion, or an energy, that can only exist in the NOW moment, and it's also a PEACEFUL emotion.
When you're thinking about Barbie or Ken and have knots in your stomach, that's neediness. It's NOT LOVE.
TRUE love feels peaceful, lives in the present, and is an expression of appreciation.
Neediness is synonymous with DRAMA, STUPIDITY, CRUSHING, STRESS, WEAKNESS, and FEAR.
TRUE LOVE is synonymous with WISDOM, STRENGTH, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE, RESPECT, and PEACE.
And So It Is!