During the seduction that culminates in the passion phase, the first step of the relationship in love, you are not yet certain that the relationship is well established; men and women then show themselves in their best day to seduce and conquer each other.
It is during this phase that men are the most communicative and the most attentive:
they look after their image and are interested in everything you say; they only have eyes for you and compliment you constantly. It is during this phase that the woman look and listen to the man with the greatest admiration: she is always ready to stick and to make love with you, as often as you wish; she never criticizes you and is ready to follow you in all your projects.
At the same time, you will lure the coveted person: it is your soul mate, your prince, your princess and the love you feel for each other will overcome all trials. You spend your nights chatting and making and making love again. You can not
the more you pass from one another: you are madly in love, maybe even for the real first time of your life. This is the phase we would like to take forever.
Biochemists have demonstrated that during this phase, the human brain produces a hormone called phenylethylamine. It is this hormone that would be responsible for the states euphoric that we live when we are in love. This hormone would have the same effects as cocaine. If the desired person leaves you during this period, it is the lack, the pain
of love. If you are a phenylethylamine addict, it is you who will leave when you will feel that passion decreases to find elsewhere a new flame that will restimulate the production of phenylethylamine. You will go from passion to passion, incapable true commitment to love.
On the other hand, if you accept the drop of passion, your brain will replace the production of phenylethylamine by the production of endorphins which, they possess the same properties as morphine. You will live then days of calm happiness: you will be able to sleep in peace, in silence, in the arms of one another. You will never have been as well, also in harmony of all your life. Your couple will fill you.
Alas, the passion ... pass! In fact, during the passion phase, you were not really in love with the other person; you were in love with the sensations that the idea that you you made the other person provoke in your body and your head. You ignored all his little faults; you have seen and heard only what was your business; you have put aside everything that could blunt your passion. And you got married or, as the Spaniards say, you have "put yourself in a house" (casarse); you have began to coexist.
The struggle for power
But now your body and your head have become accustomed to the effects of phenylethylamine and endorphins. You are always happy, happy, but the intensity of your happiness has diminished and you are gradually returning to earth.
Surprise, you realize that your prince charming sometimes behaves like a toad, that your charming princess is coming out more and more regularly her claws and her fangs. You make contact with the real person with whom you are in love.
You enter the second phase of your relationship: the struggle for power. The anxiety and insecurity of seduction and passion forced you to show your best day; the security of your happiness and the certainty that the other person loves you let you go and show you in your true light. You do not do anymore pretending, you are yourselves and you start saying and even demanding what you wait for your relationship. You already said it, but the other admired you and
he (she) did not really hear what you said. If it's true that love is blind, he also makes deaf. That's when you realize that the other does not quite share your points of leisure, money, the choice of home, the division of household chores, the
number and education of children, friends, frequency of intercourse, type and the place of your vacation, the choice of movies ... in fact, the way to love and invest in the couple.
You realize that he is focusing on his career, whereas you would like him to cares more about the family. You realize she wants to make love, but in his own way. You are meticulous, he leaves everything lying around. You love them
tight arguments, she puts emotion everywhere. You like the big ones family gatherings, he prefers to go hunting or fishing with his friends. You like to read your newspaper in the morning, she always has something to reproach you for. You like teleromans; he prefers sports programs. He plans a retreat in the south; you would prefer to be near your grandchildren. And so on.
This struggle for power is inevitable and even necessary. It is this struggle that makes it possible to know who we are dealing with and which allows us to assert our needs and expectations in the face of couple. This struggle leads the two partners to be in relation to each other. Unfortunately, the majority of couples get bogged down in this fight and engage in dead ends:
"It's you who started! " " No it's you ! "
"If you also listened to me when I spoke to you. "
"You and your damn family! You are all the same. "
"If you stopped criticizing for change. "
"If you do not always put everything back to tomorrow. "
"If you picked yourself up, too. "
"If you made a man (a woman) of you. "
"What did I do to God to meet you? "
"It looks like you're doing it on purpose. "
" I told you so. "
"You (talking about children) always let them go to their head. "
"You just have to take care of it a little more (children). "
"You always want to be right."
"Anyway, you will never understand anything".
"Well, here we go again! "
"That's it, go away! "
These words are familiar to you. Do not worry, you are normal. Our two Intimate and passionate lovers become, during this phase, two intimate enemies. All both love each other and want to continue to love each other, but frictions are more and more many. These frictions are due to the differences between men and women , to the differences existing between this particular man and that particular woman; they are also due to our frustrated expectations of the couple's life and the paradox of passion, i.e. the coexistence of the need for passionate fusion and the need for autonomy.
At this point, the future of the couple is at stake. More than half of couples will divorce and many will repeat the same dynamic with a new partner. Thirty percent 30% of couples will resign themselves, develop an unbalanced relationship, will be a war interrupted by periods of lull (a burst of production of phenylethylamine) and seek compensation for work, family or elsewhere. Barely 20% of couples will succeed in transforming this inevitable struggle for power in power sharing, third stage of the life of a couple.
Yvon Dallaire, Psychologue, Sexologue, Conférencier et Auteur canadien de nombreux volumes sur les relations homme – femme : http://www.optionsante.com/yd_livres.php. Il est le créateur de l’Approche psycho-sexuelle appliquée aux couples (APSAC) http://www.optionsante.com/yd_formation.php, formation réservée pour les intervenants en thérapie conjugale.