"Beautiful are those whose brokenness gives birth
to transformation and wisdom." - John Mark Green
There was a time in my life that I would have looked at this leaf and thought...oh, how sad, this would have made a great picture if only that piece wasn't broken. My striving for perfection in all that I did began to wear on me about a 15 years ago. It was quite unnerving as I started to feel myself crumbling and I wasn't quite sure why. I was experiencing moments that were less than stellar as a wife and a mother. I had lost who I was to the point of not even being able to recognize myself.
About 4 years ago, things began to change and I started to reconnect with my true self, not the one that was trying to fit into a particular mold created by someone else. It was both freeing and terrifying. No more laying blame. This was when I started to begin to understand what loving myself meant. It's not throwing myself a parade everyday and blowing sunshine up my own ass. It IS doing the hard work of facing the things I thought were causing me to crumble, observing them, putting them in their place and moving on to the next. The tricky part for me was doing this work gently and with grace. This process is on going and I thankfully granted myself an immense amount of latitude.
There is obviously much I am leaving out of this story that I will perhaps share another time. I just know that I am on a much healthier path...a beautifully messy path that is my own. I can feel the sunshine and, who knows, maybe one day I will throw myself a parade. If I do, you will all be invited.
Photos previously posted at:
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100008940904112
https://www.instagram.com/samanthajbarnes/