Now before we get any further, I feel angry and filled with hatred so this episode might end up sounding condescending and right there uptight as I need to loosen a bit the emotional grip my ego has on me, or shall I say I would like to perceive having a grip on me.
It seems that there are many people we carry in our psyche that we just found ourselves as and in fact we end up being self loathing when we realize that we allowed that character into our bus in the first place and like a warm they integrate themselves into who we are, face it we let them in by our appreciation and expectation.
Now in my case it is my parents, how many victims here do I hear say YAY! The question is how could we overcome it, because no matter how much I transformed and worked on myself there is something that remains and that is choice to be happy and the choice to be sad but the invisible finger thumping each and everyone's bum is the sudden shift and that which corrupts what you know is what you choose to like. You see you can sit with people for so long before the ....in the words of Cedric from The Mars Volta "fumigate my mental hygiene" attitude comes into play.
This has come to me as an observation when I am having fun and suddenly I realize an impending desire to feel frustrated, to be pissed off and to see things in a very corrupted way, rather than enjoying a conversation with my wife I would end feeling conflicted two states of self within one, one where I am deeply in love and the other saying this can't be true this can't be true, it's like that little antivirus ad that keeps poping up when your computer is safe and you just feel downright pissed off to get things out of your system and you find no one to do so on except yourself through the act of self distrust and then looking for whomever to blame just because it makes no sense to feel good yet feel so bad at the same fucking time.
And here is the point you actually are feeling good at that point but here comes the hero of the day Mr. Ego and his many (in my case her) faces. The ego has many masks but it is not what the new age seem to talk of in my opinion as the new name for the devil, that is essentially where you fuck yourself over by doing the same mistake but under a new light of language. (you see what I did their yop demonizing a form of perception to tell you that there is a possibility in truth in what I am saying...I sincerely love debunking my own shit, because honestly I do the same thing, it really depends on the mood) The Ego in my opinion is not there to control you, or to protect you it is there because you chose to be there how you made the choice that is a long story depending on your story but in my case as I said in my earlier projection due to a sensation of loneliness (due to living with my parents , yes in our society it is the norm to live with your parents, but you wrote down you are married I hear a concerned wank, yes I am leaving in a month, yes I like to keep a personal relationship with my audience, you can't have art without a bit of fart...now can you!) NOW CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS PARAGRAPH.
I hope the previous image described the previous paragraph and this is a very healthy act in my opinion to let out some of the grip of the Ego because the ego is there and you chose to call it your protector your demon, your whatever there are infinite names . But being the advantageous chaos magician I am, I am interested to know how can we work with this.
You can turn your perception of that name into a filing cabinet and you have yourself a servitor that keeps on multiplying itself with agencies of power that you will end up with. The question that came to mind while doing some self observation is one of the tricks of the ego that I work with is isolation, isolate yourself you are safer with me, do as I tell you or your friends won't like you and then flipping the trick upon assumption of superiority over that being through artistic exploitation, do you think this work is good enough.
In magick one of the things I understood is how we understand how we already are doing magick without noticing but it's not about the karmic scene and all that, this is a much deeper subject that I might not end up talking about right now. What I am saying is you are doing magick whether you like it or not, (see what I am doing here) The previous paragraph is the act of evocation giving an idea a solid form, a being of its own purpose based on its own nature, in this paragraph I stapled it in to the belief system by an act of authority by saying it is true without explaining and telling you you have no choice over the statement be it true or false you will end up believing it because I suggested myself as a figure of authority through linguistic "sorcery" (yes I know, a very weak one but you would be surprised how many suggestion we would let into us, sounds paranoid; blame it on my narcissistic mother)
And now music comes in to relax the wound into the blood of the heart known as tears because deep within everyone of us is a wounded child that looks for the right shoulders to cry on.......but does the air have a sound but in echo? Oh my sweetest scent my love my heart, my dearest of all hearts I have found my joy and sings in your name. (yes you know why you are....I love you)
No I am not a fan of that old fart in the previous picture and I might end up shitting on him in one of my episodes but then again isn't rebellion but another act of titillating your organs in asserting authority through the every seductive hormone "testosterone".
There is a function of the self where it ends up internalizing visual surrounding as emotional changes and in that we find salvation through practice, what do you have around you as people, as clothes, as scenery sincerely affects who you are and each emotion paints a picture to the dog like black and white perception of a circumstance, but is there truth in circustance but in opinion.
The following are the tricks of the current perception I chose to see of the ego due to current surrounding circumstances and hopefully this model helps you in a keep a check list like the one previously suggested in the previous episodes (an emotional cheat sheet) the emotional cheat sheet has sincerly helped me to preserve a state of self that seems rather preserving to keep those monsters from getting so you don't have to battle in kicking them out.
1-Acts of isolation; the ego protects me by acts of isolation rather than by confrontation. Thus rather than speaking of what pains me I feel tempted to block out people in fear of betrayal. This comes in the sense that the ego believes that only it can protect me so it isolates me from evolution by jealousy and over-sexualization of circumstance to vent suffering as sex rather than its expression thus looping lack of trust through the layer of shame covering the id. (the question in the Ego sheet cheat would be; are you opening up or are you just escaping?)
2-Assumption of possession, in my current case the body holds onto the perception of this perception of the ego because it reminds it of my mother and thus the addiction to my Mom's narcissistic pattern and the desire to mirror it on the other as an act of cathartic self masochism.
"Is this your opinion of the circumstance or are you afraid of your mother's judgement? "
3- The trick of superiority, the ego works by making kids out of people through acts of condescension and acts of excessive pampering so as to assume security through superiority and in that comes the loop of validation, where unconditional love is hidden in fear and conditionality of reciprocation rules supreme.
"Are you loving or are you waiting to be loved? or in the words of Shams Tabrizi, you are either in love or you are outside yearning!"
4- The trick of projection; the act of blaming the other for what seems as a normal bodily function, for example blaming a bad dream on a converstaion because you just don't want to go on a healthy diet before going to sleep.
"Did you figure it out yet or are you looking for people to blame?"
5-The trick of self blame; the ego upon noticing my strife of personal strife to gain superiority over my faculties , it tempts me into going making friends or contact those whom I can project it on them, malignant narcissists in my case so as to go into the fight that I spoke of earlier in the first question about isolation, to punish myself through believe in deserving the punishment of isolation.
6-The trick of self deprecation through emotional punishment in the sense of meaningless overload, this in itself is a reaction and an action, the reaction is a trial to reduce the focus of the ego by over emotionalization of circumstance so as to reduce the grip of the ego and after the act of catharsis the self is ready to recieve the beauty of the circumstance.
"Did you take your emotional shit, or in the words of Gurdjeff; did you take a shit?"
7-You can't do it because you are stupid, not because you are of good character or you are kind hearted, no just because you are stupid, thus you need my punishment for your salvation and repentence....insert your abrahmic quote here.
"Do you feel guilty because you did something wrong or you just because you are not up to someone's expectations of you?"
8- Demonization of desire through obsession when the path is too hard or gives us the possibility of evolution, which comes intertwined with the excuse of he did it so I can do it, this connection is looped through the desire for validation.
"Are you filling up your stomach or are you just filling up to escape sensation?"
9- The suggestion of supernaturalism of the ego by its deification.
"is it just you or are you blaming your shit on the unknown and giving it a construct?"
The last question poses a bigger question and that I will talk about in the next episode, WHEN?
The artwork attached here is by my soul of worship, love and wife Antje Bischof