Any question leading to sex.
Why We struggle with talking about sex
- It requires you to be vulnerable
- We take complaints personally
- We have biases
- Isn’t sex supposed to just happen and always be good?
- Or you can’t have sex like that!
- Pushback is a threat to our beliefs
- We make sex mean something
Why are these most intimate topics so difficult for us to talk about? Especially, when it is with the one person we are supposed to be able to openly and freely talk to.
What is holding us back from asking about sex and talking openly?
- Judged
- Rejection
- It’s not comfortable = Embarrassing
- We weren’t taught to advocate for ourselves
- Shame
What are the hardest questions to ask centered around sex?
Some Questions you might want to ask?
- What did you learn about sex growing up and how did you learn?
- What would you like me to do?
- What do you not like for me to do?
- What do you wish I did more of?
- Where do you like to be touched, and where do you not like to be touched?
- When do you like to have sex?
- What allows you to feel the sexiest?
- What was your biggest surprise when you had sex?
- What was your biggest surprise when you had sex with me?
- Did you ever have an event that negatively impacted what you think of sex?
The most challenging question is
Would you like to have sex?
Summary
The episode focuses on the challenges men face in discussing sex and intimacy with their wives. The host, Brian, acknowledges that sex is an important part of marriage for most men as a way to show love and feel loved by their spouse. However, many men struggle when their sex life declines or their wife no longer desires sex as frequently.
Brian outlines some of the main reasons why men have difficulty talking about sex:
- It requires being vulnerable, and men tend to take any criticism or complaints personally.
- People have biases and differing beliefs around certain sexual acts like oral sex, bondage, etc. which makes those topics awkward to discuss.
- There is shame and taboo around discussing sex from societal conditioning that sex is “dirty.”
- Men were never taught to properly advocate for their wants/needs, especially something as intimate as sex.
- There is a fear of rejection, as men have likely been turned down for sex many times before in the relationship.
The host suggests that rather than making assumptions or turning to pornography out of frustration, men need to have open conversations with their wives about sex. He provides example questions to help start the dialogue, such as asking about sexual experiences growing up, acts they would/wouldn’t want to try, times of day they prefer sex, and if there are any past negative experiences impacting their sexuality.
Ultimately, the most challenging part is simply asking “Would you like to have sex?” But Brian encourages men to overcome the awkwardness and shame to advocate for their desire for intimacy and connection through sex. He offers his coaching services to help men improve their ability to discuss these topics with their wives.
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