Hi, there, you schmexy, fetching creatures.
I'm new here... and for my first post here on Steemit, I thought I'd submit a revamped version of something I had on a personal blog a while ago. Admittedly, I've been too busy to write creatively because I'm off making money. But, aside from the fact that this site pays you, there's something about working outside the house that makes me want to write creatively. So, I thought I'd hit pause this A.M. to cover a hot topic issue that every feminist's opposite-of-sexy lingerie is in a bunch over of late:
Mansplaining.
Wait - I should probably backtrack for exactly half a second and share that I myself am a woman.
That's all.
Let's continue.
So, mansplaining (if you're not familiar), is this thing that happens when pompous men condescendingly lecture femmes about a given topic. It could be anything from fixing Ferraris to appropriate phlegm jettisoning technique. But, whatever it is, the idea remains the same: they talk over you, they're rude, they're loud, they're derisive. Whatever. And, obviously, not all dudes do it - but the ones who do can be annoying.
Which makes me wanna ask myself - what about it is so annoying?
Well, first off - if they dunno what they're talking about - that's eyeroll worthy. Or if they won't let you finish a thought. If their thoughts are scattered or inconsistent, that's also a fail. Sometimes it's just the snotty, caustic tone. Oh - and when they don't stop to listen to what you have to say-...
...wait.
Wait, wait, WAIT a second.
I've just described what women do... to eachother, too.
(Insert mindblow gif.)
So... why's it so different around guys? When this is actually a gender wide issue?
Simply put (oh, look, I'm chick-splaining), it's societal. We get mainsplained to because we allow ourselves to. We - most of us - are taught by everything around us to be pleasers. Combine all that cultural crap with the fact that - as women - we've got an innate desire to be desired (that's per psychological and evolutionary studies 'n stuff done by experts - not me), and boom. That translates into worry about gaining approval in interpersonal exchanges of any kind. And suddenly, we're more concerned about whether people like us than our own standards.
Then, when an awareness bomb blows up in our brain and we realize what absolute bullshit that is, we yank the reigns the other way on our high horse. And guess what? This's no good either. No one listens to us from up there 'cause they can't hear you over your own hyperblown ego that's almost as bad as theirs. But I get it. I too was stuck in the belief system for ages that you either have to stand there and quietly look pretty, nodding and feigning awestruck wonder at Johnny Bravo's non logic... or sport a rottweiler face of anger... or even a good ol' fashioned RBF. Problem with any've this, though, is that zero point zero of these tactics work in getting you heard. They don't get you what you want. And I dunno about you, but when it comes to any-kinda-splaining, the only thing that bothers me about it is if I'm not getting what I want. I don't want to win hearts. I just want to win. And matching masculine (or feminine, for that matter) assholery rarely ever accomplishes that.
What does work?
Connecting.
And since I learned that, I literally never have this problem with either sex, when I apply it.
See, the key is to first enter a calm and confident place. That one motivational guru, Tony Robbins, calls this "getting into state". For him, "state" is this rockstar-meets-scholarly Spartan ('cause he spends 20 hours on a stage trying to de-bug peeps from self limiting beliefs.) For me, "state" is also about relinquishing insecurities - and remembering that anyone I'm about to face has got them too. (Otherwise they wouldn't be so damn domineering in convo; they wouldn't need to be.) On the contrary, if I let my mind get away with me - start getting anxious, emotional, or quit speaking in an authentic and direct way - I've already lost to them.
(Protip: don't get lost in f*ckhead forest.)
Otherwise, it works about 100% of the time. And how do I do it the right way? Well, first I make sure to enter those interactions calmly by taking just fifteen me-minutes before my day to meditate. Doesn't sound very badass, but it totally is, and here's why. When you take just that short time to breathe deeply, block thoughts, and calm yourself, you reduce your anxiety and allow for free flowing thought for the rest of the day. This means that - ultimately - you'll have all the right comebacks at the ready to articulate effectively when douche nozzle supreme starts spurting out verbal effluvia at you. It also means that you can read said douche nozzle because meditation generates the superpower of empathy. (And believe it or not, empathy for d-bags proves very useful in getting you what you want.) If I do this, when it comes time for me to talk, people usually listen. Why? 'cause when I'm calm and confident in my own words, that's detectable to those listening. And it usually makes them wanna listen too. They can see me actively listening to them, and they probably aren't used to that in debates. They also can see me respond calmly - which they likely also aren't used to. To understand this, you have to see it from the man-splainer (or chick-splainer) point of view: it's tough enough to listen to other people if you're just a POS who's waiting for your turn to speak. But if the person you're hearing's gotta shaky or high voice, sounds insecure or unsure of her words, or has rigid, defensive body posture... the message gets lost in that erratic medium. Meditation helps calm me f'real versus faking it so that all those little microexpressions, tone, and body language have got enough congruence to make me a worthy player in the convo sparring ring.
That said, sometimes people still interrupt.
And, if it's a day that I've followed my own advice and done a bit of self-calming at the top of the morning, then I have the awareness to make a choice on how to react. Because that's all I can do - control my own reactions. (Which I can't manage if I'm carrying frenetic energy.) And that choice is this: Don't meet them on their level. The second you get offended and ramp it up to 'roid level, they win. You haven't brought them to your level. You've put forth the effort to meet them on theirs. That's when I'll go silent for a second and remember the following fun fact: I can talk over them, too. And it doesn't mean I'm meeting them on their level. Rather, instead of matching their angry energy or tone, I can be more interesting when I do it, too. No backing down. No letting them butt in. No getting frustrated and exasperatedly asking "Can I talk?" sarcastically. (Because, duh, it just gives them a chance to say no or ignore you.) Nay, sir. I don't ask. I gleefully take. You will listen to me. Not because I'm a convo pillaging convo Viking. But because, if you won't do me that courtesy, I'll either usurp the speaking scepter with humor (crack a joke at your expense) or make sure that you're not heard either when I calmly carry on with what I was saying. (Again - that calm bit's important, 'cause the moment you match their crappy energy - they win.) I won't cry or get self-conscious. My voice won't waver. And I refuse to exit the room vexed. But what I might do, is reset the frame (usually with humor, acknowledging that I get where they're coming from, or interjecting a leading question to get the spotlight back onto me and what I wanna say.) The trick is, once we've finally pried away the conversational baton, to keep calm and speak with conviction. If you're not confident about what you're saying, no one will listen to you - regardless of their gender or species or whatever new thing's a thing in humanity by the time you read this. On the contrary, when you speak with passion - from an authentic place - people tend to listen. People want a reason to feel that same spark they see in your eye. But the trick is, you have to have that spark first. So, find your calm state, find a way to turn the topic positive or comical, and fly with it all the way to your landing strip of convincing them of wherever you're coming from.
And that's what it's all about. You don't get respect based on what's between your legs. You get it by standing your ground on those legs, speaking with confidence, and realizing that retreating in any way (by either acquiescing with a faux smile or getting tetchy) won't get you what you want. And this goes for anyone you're talking to - whether they're filled with ovaries or orbs with wriggling tails - who won't listen to you. So, how do you do that? By treating convos like a sparring match. Quit focusing on your end game. (You've practiced that enough in your head already.) Don't worry about being liked. (You'll get something better - respect - for standing by your standards with non-snotty confidence.) Instead, be watching for each language jab coming, and be ready to block it (comically is how I tend to do it) and return fire. And counter-intuitive though it may seem, you know what that fire is? Relating. Your hit should be you listening, followed by a calm three part message: 1. Acknowledgment of the other person's point. 2. The yes-and transition. 3. The message you actually wanna say. Instead've being insecure or getting stuck in your own head, spend the convo actively listening, and scanning your opponent's message for ins. And the second they drop their guard, throw a passionate kick of diction they can't resist listening to. (Bonus if there are others around who stop listening to them and start listening to you in lieu.)
Anyway, this's getting long, so I'll end on this note: we bishes have already got plenty going against us. Bleeding. Wage gaps. Aging less well than men. And, sure, we can complain if we like. We can also complain about the phallus having the upper hand during talk time. But I've tried that before. It's boring. No one changes. It doesn't help me win. I've found interpersonal evolution to be far more useful.
And I dunno about you, but I 'd rather be a woman who wins than whines.
