I live in Denver, Colorado. I am a 40 year old male in excellent physical health. I have a long history of depression that goes back to high school, but became unmanageable in my early 30s as I transitioned from active duty to reserve and civilian life. Some depression factors I attribute to my experiences in the military. During that transition I worked through pretty hefty depression and struggled with alcoholism. I was unaware that I was eligible for VA healthcare, and specifically mental health. After taking a college course on sports psychology, I self diagnosed myself with "mild depression". Over the coming years, I went to family practice doctors, counsellors and psychologists to seek help. At first, I was less than honest about my situation and struggles. Eventually I began to open up more and more, but that process took over a decade.
Eventually I stopped drinking. One of the major things that I believe helped me curb my drinking was smoking marijuana. At the time, it had recently become legal to smoke marijuana in Colorado with a medical license, so I obtained one without telling my spouse or anyone else. I felt it helped with my depression, but more importantly helped with drinking. Of particular benefit was significantly improved sleep quantity and quality, which I now understand to be extremely important for my overall health. Eventually, after some period of recovery from depression and alcohol, I told my wife about my marijuana use, which was devastating to our relationship on multiple levels, but we worked through it. I stopped smoking marijuana, but stopping marijuana also resulted in further struggles with depression and occasional relapse into alcohol abuse.
Over the last 10 years or so, marijuana became legal as a recreational drug in Colorado and social acceptance became more widespread. After my wife realized that many of our friends and neighbours smoke or use marijuana products, I began smoking it again. We have a running joke in our family that my wife can tell when I have been smoking marijuana because I get accused of “being nice and spending time with the family.” I have noticed many improvements in my life from my use of marijuana. For example, I have a heightened sense of well-being, I am more patient with my children and I spend more quality time playing with my children, I prioritize important things in life and have worked hard to eliminate things in my life that are not beneficial. I decided on a career change and have taken several prerequisite courses at a local community college and passed with A grades (note that in my undergraduate I consistently earned Cs and Ds, graduating with a cumulative GPA of 2.2, or so). I run 4 miles nearly every day. I lift weights and exercise every 2-3 days. I have a simple yoga/stretching routine that I do in the morning, afternoon and evening. I meditate regularly and have put emphasis on finding music with positive messages to enjoy and reflect on. Most importantly, I sleep 7-8 hours each night solid. All of these beneficial things I attribute to marijuana in some fashion.
I have been prescribed all sorts of drugs to help with my depression and ability to concentrate (adult ADD/ADHD). I have been prescribed "old school" drugs like Paxil, which my first family practice doctor told me was "tried and true." It gave me electric-like shocks when I didn't take it, and eventually I realized I might be physically addicted, so I stopped cold turkey and worked through the electric shocks for a few days, or so.
Eventually I realized I was eligible for VA healthcare. I contacted the mental health department at the VA in Denver and enrolled. They continued my medication of Wellbutrin (bupropion), which I consider a life saver--at least at the time I started taking it and over the 10 years I took it. They also recommended trying Adderall, which was helpful not just with attention but with depression as well. Eventually I felt I could benefit from a higher dose of Adderall because I am a big, lean guy at 6 foot 4 inches and 220 pounds of pretty much lean muscle. I burn through the Adderall really quickly. The VA would not increase the dose at my request, which was about 10 or 20 mg per day, at the time.
I went to a private psychiatrist that was convinced I had bipolar. He put me on a crap load of mood stabilizers that eventually led to me making incredibly poor choices that nearly ruined my business and life. Eventually, I walked away from his recommendations and back to the VA. However, he also put me on a higher does of Adderall, which might have been good minus the mood stabilizers. I also ran out of money to pay for a private psychologist because by the time he was done with me my business was nearly in ruins… I can’t be certain it was the drugs, but I’m convinced they didn’t help.
In the end, I went back to the VA. To my surprise they upped the Adderall dose to 30 mg. As a side note, it took at least 3 months (maybe more) to get re-enrolled in the VA mental health program. During this time I was not prescribed medication at all--they refused to prescribe anything until I went through the process. Eventually they put me back on the Wellbutrin and 30 mg of Adderall. Over the last several years, I have been working hard to better understand nutrition and find other methods to help with my depression and attention issues. I have tried nearly everything that seemed like it had decent studies behind it. I use red light therapy, exposure to sun, tDCS (transcranial direct current stimulation), eye-patch therapy (sort of a fringe idea, but cheap and risk free), supplements, diet modifications, yoga, meditation, etc. As some of those things began to help, I worked hard to lower my dosages of medicine. I eventually got off Wellbutrin because I was trying to workout and was having issues with muscle cramping that were attributable to Wellbutrin. I also requested they lower my Adderall dose from 30 mg to 20 mg, because I wanted to start to bring the dose down. I was planning to get it down to 10 mg next and off of it completely, eventually. Well, the VA just refused to renew my prescription for Adderall due to marijuana use. It’s a bummer because the biggest benefit of the Adderall was my ability to go to school and pay attention. I am really worried that my schooling is going to suffer due to the VA unexpectedly ceasing my Adderall prescription at a time in my life when I might need it the most!
Before my second to last appointment at the VA mental health clinic a few months ago, the VA psychiatrist asked me if was using any other things that might be considered drugs. I openly and honestly disclosed to him that I used marijuana--primarily to help me sleep at night. He recommended using vape pens instead of smoking it. He pointed out that some research showed a decrease in motivation when using marijuana, but explained that logically didn’t apply to me since I seemed to be operating at the most optimal health level in my entire life and was even back in college taking classes for an exciting career change.
However, I noticed some unusual things happen when I called in for my next Adderall refill. The refill was denied because he wanted me to come in for an office visit. I contacted the mental health department and informed them I already had an upcoming appointment on the schedule and I was running out of Adderall. They said they would make a note of it and request the Adderall prescription again. Again, the prescription was not filled. I went to my appointment with the psychologist on Wednesday of this week. He asked me a few questions about how I was doing. I told him I was doing great--probably the best I had ever been. He told me he wanted to send me to the lab to get a urine sample. I complied and went to give the sample following our appointment. Today (Friday), he called me and said I tested positive for marijuana use. I told him that shouldn’t be a surprise because we had already talked about it. I reminded him that he suggested I look into vape pens rather than smoking it, and I assured him that I had done so at his recommendation.
He started to explain that if I could produce urine tests (not sure how many) with no signs of marijuana he would consider prescribing Adderall again. Adderall helps me tremendously with my ability to concentrate on finer details. It also helps me with a sort of confidence and motivation to start studying, clean the kitchen or help with other chores and projects around the house. However, when I weight the few benefits of Adderall with the overall positive impact marijuana has had on my life, I choose marijuana.
The VA psychiatrist told me he is no longer comfortable prescribing Adderall to me based on my use of marijuana, but would be willing to prescribe Wellbutrin. I refused the Wellbutrin. I told him thank you for his care over the years and wished him all the best.