‘Don’t tell the brothers “empty no” if they come for your hand o. I met one sister those days, and she told me she wanted a lecturer…’
As I listened to the Pastor advice the NCCF members, I couldn’t help wondering why it is always believed to be the lady’s fault if she doesn’t get married at the expected time, or why she is expected to just say yes to any ‘good’ and ‘serious’ brother that comes her way as a suitor. His words sounded exactly the same as what the NYSC official, representing the Director General, said to us in camp ‘… and ladies don’t look at the fact that these men don’t have anything now o! Don’t overlook them when they approach you …’
I know that there is a lot of truth in what they both said but, from time memorial, when a woman is unmarried at 30, many people believe that she must have been picky during her younger years, and now, since all the men are gone, it’s her fault. It gets worse if the lady was very beautiful when she was young.
I can’t say exactly how I feel when I hear those warnings, that sound a bit like threats, given to the ladies as if the main reason God created us was to get married. I only know it is not a pleasant feeling.
Don’t get me wrong, most good ladies want to marry, and I am not unaware of those ones who still want a man who has everything set, and don’t want to build with him. I am also aware of those ones who still want to flex even when the clock is ticking rapidly over their heads. But this day, I stand for ladies who honestly would like a Godly, hardworking man.
It’s not always our fault you know. It is becoming increasingly hard to find a man who sees protecting and providing for the woman and the children as his God-given duty. I am not saying all the work should be on him, especially not with the way the world economy is going, each family needs to gather as much as possible and so all hands should be on deck… including that of the Mrs.
But I am saying it is his duty. The woman is just helping. But these days we have men who are looking for a working class lady that they can work with, instead of looking for a woman who can catch their vision and work with them, and the little they have, to build the empire they have in mind. Instead of looking for a helper, they are looking to be a helper.
Funny!
But that’s by the way.
Single ladies are tired of all the warnings that go like this “If you see husband marry o. So you don’t end up being old and lonely” or “It’s not about having money, where is your husband? A woman is not complete without a husband” or “No matter the level of schooling you get to, you will still end up in the kitchen, under a man.”
To an honest lady who wants to get married, that’s like making the matter worse, and to the lady who is not interested in marriage, it is just plain troublemaking.
Now, talking about whose fault it is that the ladies are not getting married, I share the blame with the men. They don’t want to get married yet. They claim they are not ready. I got three funny excuses from men. One was the lack of money, another was lack of trust in ladies, and the last was… lack of confidence. Yes, a man confessed! He didn’t think he could bear it if the girl breaks his heart.
If the men don’t come proposing, the ladies can’t go a-marrying.
I say this, firstly because many more ladies will not marry when we expect them to, and we will be the ones to either encourage them and make them feel better, or we will make them think there is something wrong with them and secondly because of cases like that of Linda Ikeji. The rate at which she is bullied for being successful and single is alarming.
The same men looking to be helpers to made women are the ones asking her to go get married. I vividly remember watching Teju Babyface Show some years back where Linda said she was single and searching. She said the man didn’t have to be wealthy, he only had to be hardworking and honest (which is what every sane girl wants). So you see, it’s not always the ladies’ fault. We are both to blame, the ladies and the gentlemen.
Having said all this, there are advices I have heard which made me smile. An older friend told me what her aunt told her when other people were pressuring her on the issue of marriage. She told her “my dear, don’t disturb yourself, the man will come, just be serious and face your life.” The man did come, and she is happily married now.
My big cousin told me “Don’t disturb yourself, just trust God, and don’t misbehave.”
A pastor once said to me “don’t settle for just any man because you don’t want to be picky. He may not be very rich, but be with a man who can take care of you. Women are not meant to suffer.”
Words like these makes the journey of the waiting spinster a little easier to travel, it is not an easy one to travel, especially with African parents (That’s a story for another day).
So back to the Pastor who advised us to prayerfully consider proposals from our brothers, I wish he had also said things like “… and you brothers, prayerfully prepare, and know what you want before you approach a sister, show her something she can work with, something she can join hands with you to build.” I think that would have been better, and the NYSC official should have added something like “… and you men, use this NYSC year to plan, so you have something that both of you can build on.”
My point is, these marriage warnings should go to both the men and the ladies, then they will both sit up and stop saying “Tell them!”
Finally, I have lived long enough to know that marriage is divine, and hence should be treated as a spiritual matter. Pray for the single people instead of badgering them.
So, ladies, tell me the worse marriage warning you ever heard of, including those from our African parents. Men, tell me why you have not approached Linda Ikeji.
