How husbands can overcome the seasons of misunderstanding and tension in marriage.
Marriage has its seasons. Husbands enjoy it when it is “in season”. These are times of understanding, forbearance, friendship and contribution. However, there are the occasional times when it is “out of season”. These are times of misunderstanding, intolerance, unmet expectations and tension. All marriages will encounter these seasons, some more than others. They are unavoidable. What matters is how soon we resolve our marital difference and return to “in season” mode again. Our attitudes play an important role in our response and ability to resolve marital issues.
When we come into the Kingdom, our attitudes must be adjusted if not overhauled. One of the ways husbands can minimize or even avoid conflict with their wives is to heed the biblical advice found in 1 Peter 3:7 which says: “Husbands, likewise dwell with them with understanding.”
This understanding or knowledge refers to the divine knowledge which we have and by which we live. We should always keep our marriages within the design of God. In the Kingdom we relate to our wives according to the wisdom of the Word. Here are some golden rules from the Scriptures:
Rule 1: HONOUR your wife – even in your thoughts
- To ‘honour’ someone means that you think no evil of them. You maintain her dignity in your mind.
- Don’t confuse the problem with the person. It may seem hard to distinguish between the two but you must do it. When you do, her person will still be esteemed and held in high regard; if you don’t, you will violate her in your mind and assassinate her character. In so doing, you will be adding more fuel to the fire instead of putting it out.
- We must not devalue the biblical truths about your marriage & your wife. Keep them at the forefront of our minds. Truths like: Marriage is a divine symbol or type. You are a type of Christ; she is a type of the church (Eph.5:25-33).
Rule 2: Grit your teeth and LOVE you wife! (Eph. 5:25-33)
- Be committed to her!
- Make a concerted effort to seek her highest good at all times.
- Don’t deceive yourself: You are in no danger of loving your wife too much. Consider how Christ continues to love & cherish the church unfailingly.
- Give all of yourself over for her wellbeing (“And He gave Himself for her…”).
Rule 3: Understand that she is ONE with you
- This is the only way to promote your own wellbeing & happiness. Your loving-kindness towards her will be more than repaid (v. 33 “He that loves his wife loves himself”).
- Your destiny is interlocked in her and cannot be fulfilled apart from your cooperation with her (1 Peter 3:7b says that we are “heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayer be not hindered”).
Rule 4: Settle it in your heart that she is the WEAKER VESSEL (1 Peter:3:7)
- You formulate expectations for her because she is supposed to be your “helpmeet”. And when she fails to live up to these expectations, your bubble is burst. Remember, although she is your helpmeet, she is still a weaker vessel! It’s not supposed to be an equal effort relationship as we think & expect (i.e. “I give 50% & she gives 50%” is a myth). She is weaker than you so she is definitely expected to contribute lesser, maybe about 1/3, while you contribute more, maybe about 2/3. So don’t expect too much from her; you’ll never get it!
- Her weakness is not only physiological but emotional, mental & spiritual as well. It seems that we are not just ‘heads’ of our households but ‘ahead’ in almost every regard! Please note also that this in no way makes her inferior in her person, mental endowments or contribution. It just means that she is tenderer & delicate, more prone to infirmity and weakness, and less capable of enduring rough conditions than you are.
- You must treat her differently! She must be treated more delicately, with special kindness and extra attention, like a beloved child.
Rule 5: Avoid all opportunities of being bitter towards them (Col.3:19)
- To be bitter towards her means to be ill-tempered and provoking.
- Many men, who are polite with outsiders, are rude and bitter at home because they are not afraid to be so there.
- Make every effort not to be bitter towards them, or relate with them unkindly, with harsh language or severe treatment. From today try to become kinder and more obliging to them. Remember, emotionally she is designed to be weak & fragile. This is how God designed her. You should not subject her to your “over-manly” spirit, headstrong attitudes, brute nature, aloof moods or harsh speech. We must tread cautiously & sensitively.
