The Process
- Select an issue, problem or a topic of concern (money issues, relatives, sex, friends, people of the opposite sex, etc.).
- Talk over the intended outcome; what you think should happen in that circumstance or situation.
- One of you offer a possible solution (I.e. “We could agree to do things this way at those times.”)
- If the other disagrees, they should offer a compromise (i.e. “What if we did this instead …?”)
- If the first person still is unsure, they could offer another compromise (i.e. “That’s better but I see a problem, what about this…?”)
- Once both agree on the intention of the agreement, it needs to be written down on paper.
- Once written, someone needs to read it out loud. The purpose is to listen to the words.
a. Is there a loop-hole somewhere in there?
b. Are there words that may have different meaning to each of you?
c. Does the agreement bring up other questions?
d. Do you both find the agreement acceptable?
e. Can either of you think of any reasons (good ones) for violating that agreement?
f. Do both of you give your word that you will comply with this agreement? - If you find any loop-holes, then either change the written agreement until there is no loop-hole, or add an additional agreement that would cover the loop-hole.
- If there are any words that could mean different things to each of you, then write down the words and define the meaning that both of you agree upon.
- If the written agreement prompt other questions, then either correct the agreement to deal with them, or save them for later to deal with separately.
- Do not make any one agreement too long and convoluted. It is better to have several short and to the point statements.
- If either of you can think of any (good) reasons for violating any agreement, bring it up now. Later on you will be seen as a liar who should not be trusted.
- Once you have reviewed the written agreement, understand it, and agree with it, go on to the next agreement.
- Each of you should have their own “copy” of the agreement.
- Neither of you is responsible for reminding the other of the agreements. Each person is responsible for keeping his or her own word.
- But, both of you are responsible for imposing consequences on the one who violates an agreement.
The issue is TRUST. The consequence needs to reflect the same. Each time trust is violated the consequence must be bigger and longer lasting than before.
What if…
The question that comes up most often in this process is, “What if someone breaks one of the agreements?” The answer has three parts:
- The Major agreements which can result in divorce.
- The Mid-level agreements which can result in separation (from one day to an extended time period).
- The Minor agreements which may be dealt with by imposing minor consequences.
Violating an agreement from the third group (Minor) can be handled with a minor, but effective consequence. For example, the husband hurts his wife’s feelings by being inconsiderate. Her response (consequence) could be to ignore him for a few days. The goal here is to emphasize the importance of keeping the agreements, to avoid future problems. But, let’s say that the husband’s behavior does not change or improve. She may have to impose a larger consequence, and maybe for a longer period of time. For example, she may decide to stop washing his clothes and preparing them for him (for his work) until he changes the behavior, or improves his attitude. Violations at this level are more common due to the fact that both parties are human. Humans will fail at times, but that does not mean they have an excuse to continue misbehaving.
Mid-level agreement violations are more serious. The person violating the agreement is proving that he or she is not as concerned with maintaining a peaceful and orderly relationship with the spouse. This person is willing to endanger the relationship with decisions and/or actions which can have lasting repercussions. A violation at this level could be something like: The couple have an agreement that neither may spend money from the main budget with the agreement of both of them. The wife decides to buy a dress and a pair of shoes without consulting her husband, even though she knew he was about to pay the bills. The husband, who is the manager of the finances for the couple, sends out monthly payments. Two of the checks bounce, causing the couple to pay penalty fees. The wife’s dress and shoes suddenly cost the couple much more money than what she intended. On top of that, it caused an argument that could have been avoided. The consequence the husband imposes on the wife is to give up her debit card for half a year, and only buy with cash.
Major agreement violations are the most serious of all. These are those type that could result in long term separation, as well as divorce. For example, the couple have an agreement which states that neither may have a friend of the opposite sex without the knowledge and consent of the other. The wife finds out that her husband went to lunch, at work, with a female employee. She asks him what is going on. He claims that they are just “friends.” She argues that she never agreed for him to have that woman as a “friend.” The arguments between the two has the potential of escalating to the point of accusations of adultery becoming real. The problem could have been avoided, but the husband, in this case, did not care if he hurt his relationship with his wife. The consequences must be big and last some time.
The way to consider things is:
The first time someone does something, it could be a mistake, or an error in judgment.
The second time someone does something, it is questionable, but could be an oversight. They weren’t paying attention.
The third time someone does something, it is on purpose. They meant to do it and did not care about the consequences to themselves or others.