Subtitle: What Can I Get Away with the TSA? Or, Girls Just Wanna Have (Weird if not Kinky) Fun
There you stood on the edge of your feathers; expecting to fly.---Neil Young, "Expecting to Fly"
As I mentioned before, I am preparing to fly (for the first time!!) to Europe in a mere handful of days. I thought it might be a good idea to see what is allowed to carry along with me for the ride.
A quick visit to https://www.tsa.gov/travel/security-screening/whatcanibring/all presented me with a quasi-exhaustive list of items that the airlines allow to be checked or brought aboard with you. . . a mere 37 (count 'em!) pages worth! A number of them I found to be quite humorous.
I offer them to you for your amusement (or not, if you're feeling curmudgeonly), along with my comments. The goal: to get at least ONE laugh outta ya. Go ahead. Laugh. I dare ya. If not at the absurdity of the items, then maybe at my drole commentary?
I am so relieved to know that this item is allowed by the TSA on flights both domestic and foreign:
Antlers
Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes
You may transport this item in carry-on or checked bags. For items you wish to carry on, you should check with the airline to ensure that the item will fit in the overhead bin or underneath the seat of the airplane.
This is acceptable as well:
Artificial Skeleton Bones
Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes
Now, this is one I would like to see how it could work, packed in a carry-on:
Wheelchairs
Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes
Of course, if you need to fix your car when you arrive at your destination, you will be glad to know you can bring this/these:
Car Parts
Carry On Bags: Yes (Special Instructions)
Checked Bags: Yes (Special Instructions)
Car engine parts and other car parts without fuel or traces of fuel are allowed in carry-on or checked bags. Car engine parts may be placed in checked bags only if the parts are packed in their original box and free of gasoline and oil.
For items you wish to carry on, you should check with the airline to ensure that the item will fit in the overhead bin or underneath the seat of the airplane.
If you have questions regarding hazardous materials regulations, please see the FAA website.
No cattle prods allowed in the cabin. Even if you're assigned a seat next to a heifer.
Cattle Prods
Carry On Bags: No
Checked Bags: Yes
Of course you can bring your cream cheese! Just be aware that the TSA agent might be about to go on break and will need a snack, and there goes your cream cheese! They might even take your crackers, if you packed them!
Cheese (Creamy)
Carry On Bags: Yes (Less than 3.4oz/100 ml allowed)
Checked Bags: Yes
TSA officers may instruct travelers to separate items from carry-on bags such as foods, powders, and any materials that can clutter bags and obstruct clear images on the X-ray machine. Travelers are encouraged to organize their carry-on bags and keep them uncluttered to ease the screening process and keep the lines moving.
So, on your way out the door to the airport and you look up at your porch eave and see last year's Chrimmus lights hanging there, and impulsively realize that you can't leave home without them, it's awright...TSA says, sure, bring 'em on!
Christmas Lights
Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes
Good news, drummers! If you fly, you can take your ride cymbal on your ride!! But you may NOT bring your crash or splash, for obvious reasons.
Cymbals
Carry On Bags: Yes (Special Instructions)
Checked Bags: Yes (Special Instructions)
Check with your airline prior to your flight to ensure your instrument meets the aircraft size requirements. Musical instruments must undergo screening when transported as carry-on or in checked bags. Musical instruments transported as carry-on require a physical inspection at the security checkpoint. Inform the TSA officer if your instrument requires special care and handling. Pack brass instruments in your checked bags.
Drones ARE allowed---if you check with the airline first. However, absolutely NO queens or workers!
Drones
Carry On Bags: Check with Airline
Checked Bags: Check with Airline
Drones are allowed through the checkpoint. Please check with your airline for their policy.
Lemme see if I've got this straight...Christmas lights are allowed, but don't you even THINK about trying to smuggle some English Christmas Crackers on board! What!? TSA doesn't like British food either?
English Christmas Crackers
Carry On Bags: No
Checked Bags: No
In case you want to find out just how hot that flight attendant really is:
Geiger Counters
Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes
Finally, for those of you who like your fun in the plane on the kinky or fantasy side:
Handcuffs
Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes
Harry Potter wand
Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes
Light Saber
Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes
Sadly, the technology doesn't currently exist to create a real lightsaber. However, you can pack a toy lightsaber in your carry-on or checked bag. May the force be with you.