THIS IS AN ENTRY TO 
MY STRUGGLE
For someone who has chronic illness like kidney failure, it is sometimes difficult when people ask you to envision yourself in the next months or years since it's really quite a struggle to survive another day. As much as I do not want to sound negative for an intro, I have no choice. The illness is part of me, but that's not entirely me. I don't let it define me. Stay awhile and this post could sound better.
I write about my illness to make people aware of it and to inspire people who are well but feels bad about themselves. I also write to empower myself, to feel a sense of purpose to inform, educate and motivate others to appreciate life because life is beautiful.
Back when I was "normal," by that I mean, back when I didn't have kidney failure, I took a lot of things for granted. I was full of pride because I had everything I thought I needed which were material, worldly possessions and shallow relationships with people I thought I knew. That sounds interesting, I bet.
When I got diagnosed, I lost a lot of things. I lost my high paying job, my boyfriend, I even lost my looks. My boyfriend left me saying, "You are not you anymore, you are not fun anymore." I kind of knew what he meant but to be left by the person you thought you were to spend your life with and you trusted more than your family, was more than devastating. Not only that, this illness is financially draining for the family and I soon enough noticed relatives avoiding me like I have something communicable. I am not sure why they feel that way, but it is disheartening because even my siblings do it. Only my mom wants to support me and she has to support my younger siblings in college, too. I fear so much because she is 56 and about to retire. Before she gets 60, I have to be on my feet.
Other than the illness, I have to struggle the life of a single mom to an 11 year old daughter who has been my rock and my strength. She has been with me all the way and she has seen things about my illness that's probably too much for a young one to see. I feel sad for her to experience all this but I don't have a choice.
People around me should realize I did not ask to be ill. It wasn't my choice. It is normal for people to get sick. It's not a curse or a punishment, it is what it is. I have come to accept everything because I believe everything starts with acceptance. Only with acceptance can you manage yourself, know all your cards and play them well.
The illness is a part of me, it will always be until the end of my life. Sadly, I am not going to get well from it because it is a chronic illness, I am on stage 5 kidney failure. That means my kidneys no longer work and are too far gone. Only dialysis can make me survive for some years or if I am lucky and I can afford it, a kidney transplant.
Even with kidney transplant, I need to afford the post-transplant meds that could range from 20,000 to 90,000 pesos a month. It would depend on how my immune system responds to the kidney. See? It's a lifelong struggle from here on, whatever treatment I choose. Dialysis is expensive in the Philippines. In fact, it's going to be as expensive as having a transplant. I do 2-3 dialysis sessions a week and the cost ranges from 3000-4000 per session. Some government agencies could help with medicines and partly subsidizing my sessions but on the average, I still spend 20,000 to 30,000 a month. That's too much for my mom, who is a public school teacher and a breadwinner of a family of eight. She makes ends meet by going to loan sharks which I feel guilty about. She doesn't complain or say anything about it but I feel her pain, being a mom myself, I know she has more than she can take on her plate.
THIS IS MY VISION
I want to help my mom and be financially stable, it would not be long before she retires and I don't want to be her dependent long after retirement. I want her to enjoy her life, her old age.
I don't know how to start it but I am sure Steemit, online microjobs and an employment would help. I need to start over. After a year and five months on dialysis, I have come to realize, I need to quit the drama, the isolation, the depression and start fixing myself back up by focusing on self improvement. I have narrowed my priorities to very simple things because I do not have much to offer anymore. If you are familiar with spoon theory, I only have a few spoons to give.
I only focus now on two things, first is more quality time with the things and the people that matter. I do not want to leave this Earth with regrets because I did not make my family feel loved by me. Second, I want to focus on my health. I may no longer get well from kidney failure but I can live a quality life with it. I believe I can last and with acceptance, I can manage my illness.
Despite having this illness, I still feel blessed to anyhow. It has opened my eyes to know humility, it has humbled me and removed my strong pride.
Transplant is one of my visions, because with it, I can live a semi-normal life without the hindrance of the downtimes of dialysis. Not to mention the many side effects and complications that dialysis brings. To be honest, this is a far shot, because it is highly expensive for someone who is unemployed like me. Much even more difficult for someone who does not have a kidney donor. Unfortunately, I do not have a family member that has the same blood type as me, A+ who can be a donor candidate. Actually, even if I have, none of my siblings cared to offer. But anyway, it's not something I should expect because it is too much to ask.
The transplant hospitals won't transplant me or put me on the list if I do not have an assurance that I can afford post-transplant medications, thus in the Vision Board I put financial stability before transplant. I need to have money and a steady income for me to qualify for transplant. I plan to do all the job search and opportunity search this year, 2018. And trust me, Steemit is on top of all the things I want to do to earn. I am hoping, this platform can help me like how it did to many others already.
I do not know what tomorrow could bring, if there's even a tomorrow for me. I can say this because even today, this is one of those days that's called a bad day. A kind of day that even gravity is too heavy. In fact I am posting this as I lay on my bed, 10:35 am. I haven't been up to eat breakfast or even a glass of milk. I can proudly say, I eat Steemit for breakfast. I really hope this pays off, because I am loving Steemit too much already. It feels like a portal to some wonderful place like Neverland or Narnia.
Before I saw
As much as possible, I will live a good unselfish life the best way I know how, one day at a time. I hope my story inspires you to love your life and be grateful for everything that you have. I'm probably at my life's end and I'm sick, beaten and broken down but trust me when I say that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! Don't waste it.
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