When I open my phone, an overwhelming sense of anxiety hits me.
Do people like me? Am I cool enough? Funny enough? Successful enough? Likable enough? Beautiful enough?
Where does this pressure come from?
Who are we trying to prove?
Others? Or ourselves?
I'd contemplate on this thought, along with a long queue of other unanswered questions.
Why?
Why do I feel this pressure to constantly project an ideal image of a life that I want to portray online?
I ask myself, do I share because I want to connect, or do I share because I want people to see how much better my life is.
I began to realize, how my excessive need for admiration, came from deep rooted insecurities of wanting to belong, to be accepted, to be loved.
Was I not loved enough as a child?
Do our flaws really stem from childhood trauma?
Or do we choose a lifestyle that drives us towards our impending demise?
Is it a conscious effort, or a subconscious choice?
Are we really in control, or are we controlled by something beyond our comprehension?
I want to believe that we have the ability to change and transform ourselves for the better, but how can we do that when we're constantly bombarded with distractions and excuses, social media being one of them.
This is why I took my break.
I needed to answer that pending list of unanswered questions for my own sanity.
I needed time to put real work, effort and commitment into healing, re-centering, and loving myself again, because in the end, all roads lead to love.