Part 2
Now that I had once again contacted the spiritual side through a consistent meditation practice, I began to explore the world of magick.
I was very reluctant to jump in head first without looking; as I do with almost everything in my life. I am very spontaneous and impulsive so standing back to carefully evaluate a situation is not something I am in the habit of doing. But spirituality has always been extremely important to me so I take it very seriously.
When I was in-between ‘faith’s’; I was like a ship that had lost its rudder. I was in a bad place; having come to the realization that there was much more to organized religions, than what appeared on the surface, but still being an inherently spiritual person; I needed to find a new way to contact my higher spirit, and any others who might be nearby.
One of the first magickal workings I wanted to perform was a ritual to contact my ancestors. I was an orphan, then adopted, and then the adoption was annulled, so I have no knowledge of where I come from, and it really bothers me. I can handle not having any living relatives in my life since I have had no choice in the matter. But I would love to hear stories of what my biological grandfather was like, what he did; that kind of stuff. It was not long into my research about how to perform such a ritual that I was severely unqualified to even consider attempting a ritual of that caliber.
Which reminds me a funny anecdote about my very first experience casting a circle incorrectly or at all for that matter. I was very anxious before casting it, and it showed.
I was all over the place, as were all the things I would need for the ritual. Every time I thought I was finally ready; I would remember something that was missing,
it would have been a riot to watch, for any Witch with more experience that I had at that time I’m sure.
In my defence, I had been studying the invocation and banishing pentagrams all afternoon, and despite my disorganization I believed I was as ready as I would ever be. I remember reading an interview with Vince Neil the singer of Motley Crue; where he discussed how he had gotten over stage fright. I can’t remember the exact words he used but they were something like;
“At some point, you have to just get up in the firing line and start spitting back rounds.”
With that in mind; I began the ritual.
At first it felt rushed and awkward due to my anxiety over my inexperience, and what I believed might be the consequences of getting anything wrong. Then suddenly, a voice I didn’t recognize as my own at first; began to speak with authority, at this point is when I felt the cross breeze coming through my opposing corner windows pick up right after invoking the Goddess Hecate. It was exactly like in the movies. It was probably all in my mind though, since I was still on dope back then, lmao. Either way I know what happened after I had completed the ritual and put away all the components was very, very real. I was exhilarated by the experience after having put all the tools away, I stood in front of one of the corner windows to ponder the experience. It was at this point there was a sound of smashing glass as the apartment went pitch black. Well it was around 10 PM on a hot July evening so it was not quite pitch black. I have always had particularly good night vision. Maybe that is why I could see using what little light was available to discern the clear outline of what appeared to be a man made of darkness. No flowing cape, cowl and codpiece, just darkness. As soon as I had seen this ‘thing’ it began running straight toward me; though I don’t remember hearing even the slightest sound of feet striking and leaving the cool tile floor. Then it was upon me, and as soon as it bumped me, it disappeared. Let me tell you I absolutely,
SHIT MY PANTS, lmao…
My next emotion was one of extreme gratitude as I realized that had I been standing 6 inches to the right; I would have gone right out my 11th floor window. Now I know that I did mess up one of the pentagrams while closing the circle; and though that may very well have been it. I was having a feud with my downstairs neighbor who had a magickal stave in his home that had to have come from or belonged to someone who knew far more than I did, both then and now. So maybe it was my ineffectual circle casting, maybe it was my Iranian, nemesis. One thing I know for sure is that, I discovered that the reason the lights went out was the light bulb had exploded. There was nothing near it, the wiring was fine.
There was no clear and discernible explanation for why this happened.
I was spooked, and one last thing I know really happened that night; is that I really and truly did not sleep even one wink after that wild and magickal evening. I was wired, and it didn’t take me long to discover the significance of exploding light bulbs. I wish I had the event on tape so I could try and get a better look at the fellow. I have wondered if maybe I had loosed a demon as described in the Abrahamic texts. I wondered if it; running straight for me, and then evaporating as soon as it bumped me, might mean that it entered me and might manifest at some future date.
In any case if he had, it seems he is now gone.
You see; after that experience, I had been a little ‘wand-shy’ for quite some time.
However, after having a dispute with another Pagan near my home, he began chanting some words at me as we passed each other on the sidewalk earlier this week.
I recognized the words from a spell intended to conjure a thoughtform entity; presumably to malign me in some way.
I had had enough; my whole life I have been someone’s scapegoat, someone’s whipping boy. No more. I am a Witch, and should not be taking shit like this. It would be one thing if I had done something to deserve this individual’s wrath; but I have not. My only offense as far as he was concerned; was that I very quickly got a read on him during our first conversations, that read was clear and unequivocal;
get away, so I did.
No malice, no animosity; well for my part anyway. It seems he still has bruised feelings because I won’t associate with him anymore.
But to conjure a thoughtform entity to seek revenge on me for that; REALLY?!?
No, I am no one’s victim any longer. I took magickal actions to correct the situation, and ever since I did, the energy in my home has undergone a radical transformation. As have I.
My omnipresent and seething anger is gone, my creative juices are flowing like crazy. I am more patient with all the little things that used to send me into a verbal tirade; usually at ear blistering volumes. I truly feel as if just maybe, a demon left me after that magickal working.
It is just awesome. No one was harmed by it; in case you are wondering. It was not that kind of spell. However, because I feel so positive and uplifted by this experience, I have even made efforts to initiate a possible ‘mediated’ conversation with this individual in the hopes of smoothing this all out so that we can be neighbours, instead of enemies.
So, the moral of this story is;
though I had been reluctant to use magick of any real significance for quite awhile; I no longer am.
That working has produced such wonderful results that I feel as if my inner
spark has been reignited.
My self-esteem has as well; and my magickal confidence has received a major boost from this experience, and like any good addict;
I WANT MORE, lmao…
But this is not the only example of how magick has made my life better.
I have practiced protection magick religiously since the very beginning. After the experience with the exploding light bulb, and the shadow figure; do you blame me???
I have severe social anxiety, and I also have moderately severe PTSD. This used to keep me as far away from people as I could possibly get. I can have extremely severe panic attacks if I get trapped in a crowd of people with no escape when one of these attacks takes hold.
Shielding changed all that for me. I was probably doing that wrong as well, but the fact is that I believed in those shields, and that belief gave me the courage to begin to step outside my gilded cage, and enjoy the sunshine with the day walkers.
Then there are the massive benefits I have received by practicing Affirmations.
While probably not considered a true form of magick, they have had an undeniably magickal effect on my depression.
Meditation in addition to many other benefits has helped immensely with my anxiety. As does my ever growing, knowledge of Herbs and their medicinal uses.
Nope, there is no question that Meditation and Magick have given me my life back.
I must admit I find it very disturbing that all the things my Priests, and Pastors prohibited me from learning or practicing, were the exact things I needed to save myself from a life of incomprehensible demoralization as a hopelessly addicted coke fiend, whose future was limited to the indignities of death, Jail or a mental asylum.
Yeah, I would say this path saved my life. Without a doubt. And it all started with me crying out in hopeless desperation to a Goddess shunned by the mainstream.
I don’t believe I will go to hell for being a devotee of Hecate, because it was She; who released me from hell.
Oh, and I do not believe in Hell…
Written by Maul