When I heard about the 10 day silent Vipassana retreat I knew straight away that it’s something I’d want to do. I thought after a 10 days of silent meditation, surely people come out changed, more tranquil and calmer. So when we found out during our travels through Thailand that Wat Khao Tam monastery (https://www.wat-kow-tham.org/) on #KohPhangan organised retreats like that, my sister and I signed up to do one just before Christmas.
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There were quite a few rules on their website to agree to before committing. Among others we had to leave our phones, laptops and books behind as these were all distractions. The dress code was strict, just like in any monastery; no shorts or tank tops.
The fact that one of the points was that the retreat was not suitable for anyone with a mental disorder told me this was serious stuff and I hoped I didn’t have a hidden one of those.
We would also have to be silent during the retreat of course, which meant we wouldn’t talk to anyone, except for a few private consultations with the teacher which were to be scheduled in for everyone.
Another big one for me was the food. There would only be two meals a day, breakfast at 7am and lunch at 11am. The reason for this was that your body can concentrate on meditation better if it’s not busy digesting. Funnily enough, this was the point I was most afraid of, not the silence or meditating for 8 hours a day.
We told our friends and family that there would be no way to reach us for 10 days. The monastery was on the top of a mountain in the forest and we arrived in the afternoon of registration day. We gave the volunteers our phones and books to store during our stay. The first day we got to know the other participants. They were all travellers, some in their 20s, others in their 60s, everyone really excited, some scared about how they would cope. There were people who never meditated before and I thought it was a bit hardcore to start this way. Others, like us meditated quite regularly, although just a few minutes a day. We were directed to a building called a dormitory, where we all got assigned a room, two people sharing one. In each room there was a bunk bed with a mattress and nothing else. The bathrooms and toilets were shared Thai style in a separate building near the dorms.
Silence started with the first meditation at 5pm that day. Each meditation cycle lasted 60 minutes, then there was a break. I’d never meditated for 60 minutes before, and I didn’t manage it then either. But the point is to try and sit there quietly. It was Vipassana meditation, which meant concentrating on the breath, saying ‘in, out, sitting’ inside our heads. We were to observe our surroundings, accept everything as it was and just sit. I managed to do that for a few minutes at a time and then my mind went off wondering…then I went back to meditation again. I kept doing this for the whole hour.
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The daily schedule was strict. The wake up bell sounded at 4:00am and the first sitting meditation was at 4:30am. After an hour there was chanting in Sanskrit. I didn’t know what we were singing but it was very calming so I enjoyed it. Next there was an hour of meditation again before we went for breakfast. All the food was vegetarian and very tasty, although I didn’t want to see another coconut milk curry after the retreat for a while. We were all assigned chores, which we did after breakfast. I was to sweep the yard and one of the halls, someone else did the dishes, cleaned the bathrooms and so on. Of course we had to do all this silently. The rest of the day consisted of meditation (walking and sitting), chanting and Dhamma teachings. During walking meditation we walked around the yard very slowly, concentrating on lifting each foot, putting down the heel first and then the sole. Sometimes I looked around and I thought we looked like zombies. That made me smile. During the Dhamma teachings we learned about Buddha and meditation.
My sister and I managed not to talk the whole time, the only time I said something was when she was snoring so loud at night, I even heard her through my earplugs. I said to her ‘Stop snoring!’.
Surprisingly hunger wasn’t really an issue, lunch was quite filling and 2 meals were enough as I didn’t burn too many calories sitting most of the time. Meditating 8 hours daily was not an easy task. Sometimes I felt quite successful, other times less so. When I felt I couldn’t concentrate, I went to the bathroom and sat in there for a few minutes, or I 100 squats in there when I needed to move. Not everyone made it to the end. Some participants, including one of the girls who never meditated before left after a few days as they couldn’t cope.
There was a lookout with a beautiful view where we could sit and meditate during breaks. One day I sat there on my own, just taking in the view of the sea, when suddenly a wave of gratitude hit me. I felt so thankful for being where I was, to be alive and in the present moment that I started crying. Everything became more colourful, the trees were greener and the sea bluer, it was like I couldn’t see clearly what was around me before that. Tears were coming out of my eyes and I kept smiling. From then meditating went a lot smoother and I felt happier. I still couldn’t concentrate for full 60 minutes but I accepted where I was and I was content.
At the end of our silence we had a final meet with the teacher. He said some people might have had a revelation, but to some it may only come later. He asked people to share these if they had one and I told them about sitting at the lookout and how I felt. There was a Hungarian couple who just got married recently and the girl told us about her experience. She was sitting at the lookout with her husband and she knew something was different about him. She knew he had a revelation and she was afraid that now he’d want to become a monk and stay in Thailand without her. He wasn’t allowed to touch her but as saw that she was in distress he pointed at his wedding ring, telling her without words that he still loved her. That’s when she felt a big wave of relief and thankfulness.
An older lady told us that during one of the sitting meditations she fell on her head with a big bang. When no one moved to check if she was ok, she became angry, thinking that people didn’t care about her. Then she realized she was ok, and she kept meditating. When the others said they didn’t hear her fall, that someone would have jumped up to check if she’s ok, she realized that maybe she didn’t fall at all, maybe it was all in her mind.
We left the monastery that afternoon and I can tell you it was a shock to return to the real world. It was like I was seeing it for the first time. The streets seemed very busy and loud, there was so much stuff around me that people were trying to sell me but I had no interest in buying anything because I had everything I needed. This tranquillity stayed with me for a few days but as I got used to the real world again it left me. In some ways I remained changed forever, I’ve felt a deeper presence inside me sever since.
We actually went back to the monastery after a few days for the next retreat, but this time as volunteers. We helped out in the kitchen, cleaned and prepared some of the foods. We slept in the dorms and got free food but we were allowed to go down to the village during the day outside of meal times and sometimes we went for a swim.
We helped the participants in every way we could, of course we couldn’t talk to them but we always smiled. After this retreat some of the people thanked us for being such good helpers and said we made their time there smoother. That’s when I was the happiest, it was so rewarding to hear that.