The first time it happened I was around three years old. I remember looking at my hands and arms in astonishment, thinking: “wow, I’m really here in this life! Where did I come from? What was before this? Is my brain the person and my body a machine of some sort that listens to it? When do I get to go back?”
I distinctly remember running to my mom with these questions. In her infinite love, she picked me up and said I was here in this life and that I had lived past lives before this one. I remember the feeling of the truth in her words. I wanted to know what my past lives were, where I came from, what I was, but nobody seemed to have the answers.
When I was four I remember when my cousin, who was more of a big sister and guardian angel to me, passed away. She was very young, but was way wiser than her years. I can remember her funeral like it was yesterday. I remember looking up at my crying mom and dad and saying “don’t cry mom, the gyani (Sikh priest) is here and he’s friends with Waheguru (God), and he’ll just tell Waheguru to bring her back. She’ll be back tonight and we can play again!” My mom looked down at me and said “that’s not how it works beta (son).” My immediate next thought was that this God character sucks and isn’t so great if he can’t bring my big sister back.
I spent the next 17 years believing in nothing at all. But, I still always prayed to something or someone before a football game or before I stepped into the cage for a fight…I probably should have prayed more haha.
When I was 21 my family and I went to India for my cousin’s wedding. I remember running out of asthma medicine one night, and my asthma began to flare up as soon as I awoke. It was about 6 AM and we were heading on a family trip to the Golden Temple in Amritsar; the holiest of the Sikh temples. India in the summer gets really hot and humid. This day was no exception. We began the two hour drive and my anxiety began to run wild with the extra work my heart was doing to compensate for my restricted breathing. Me being me, I didn’t tell anyone because I figured it would go away if I quit being a baby.
When we entered the grounds of the Golden Temple, a huge sense of peace and relaxation overcame my being and calmed my anxiety down. I was perplexed and didn’t know what to attribute this anxiety relief to because it had only gotten hotter and more humid. Nonetheless, I pushed on.
After some time, I couldn’t take it anymore and I told my family what was going on. Both my cousin and my mom told me of the healing properties that the lake surrounding the temple held, and they both stated documented cases of people being healed there miraculously. They suggested that I bathe in the water and pray. I thought they were both nuts. But, I figured I had nothing to lose, so I gave it a shot.
I entered the water and silently said in my head: “if there is something other than what we see here, take away my asthma, and show me truth.” I came out of the water, and nothing happened.
About two hours later we were eating langar (a meal served at Sikh temples which are known as Gurdwaras). After langar we went to go put our trays away. A very skinny older man singled me out of the crowd and addressed me. He asked me if I would help him out. I didn’t know what he needed help with, but I agreed nonetheless. I put my tray away and met with the man. I figured he needed help moving one or two objects too heavy or awkward for one person to move. He ended up taking me through some back alleys to a trailer pulled by an old tractor, and said he needed the contents moved to the kitchen which was about 50 yards or so away through some more alleys.
I began unloading the sacks of flour, lentils, and rice and carrying them on my head (as you see many people doing in India and Africa) the distance to the kitchen. After a while, my mom finally found me. She was worried and had apparently been looking for me for awhile. I had lost track of time because I was so immersed in the task at hand. She told me that it was time to go. I looked at the trailer and saw I still had lots more to do. I told her I’d be there in about five minutes.
Some time later (I’m assuming 5 minutes later), she came yet again and said it was time to go. I agreed and began walking right behind her, but then stopped at the trailer, grabbed some more sacks, and hustled back toward the kitchen, laughing, before she noticed I was gone. She didn’t find it so funny. She told me that it was about 110°F and too hot for my younger cousins who were all waiting in the car. I acknowledged what she said, but then took yet another load to the kitchen as the trailer was far from empty and I had given the older man my word.
At this point my mom was not happy with me at all. The older man looked at me, and in a very peculiar way said (in Punjabi) “[it’s okay son, your task is now complete.]” When I got back to the car my asthma was gone and has never returned since that day. Prior to this event, I had to take Singulair every night, carried an inhaler with me at all times, and had even been put on steroids to help open up my lungs. From that day forth, and seven years later, I have not been to a single doctor regarding my asthma, taken any of the above medications, or had any asthma related symptoms. I can’t explain it to this day.
Things began getting really strange when I returned back to the States. I had lost an MMA tournament before leaving for India. The prize of the tournament was an opportunity to train for a week at the TAPOUT Ranch in New Mexico. The guy that beat me in the tournament could not make it for some reason, so I was flown out there in his place. It was here that I learned how to meditate.
Meditation blew my mind. All of the sudden I began tapping into something greater than me. The answers to the questions I had simply began popping out in front of my face. Still, more questions arose. This, however, triggered a new lease on life for me. I began seeing truth for the first time. I saw the chasing of “money and power” as an illusion; something that is an endless cycle of nothingness perpetuated by the egoic sense of self. Instead, I chased adventure and began living a life full of so much fun! It was a life I didn’t think was possible!
I began losing fear of things that had terrified me before. It led me to the woods where I learned how to camp, something I had never done before. I learned how to hunt; and, I began to see how I was a part of nature, not a separate entity as I had previously believed. I saw the interrelationship between the trees, plants, animals, and myself.
Still, I had more and more questions. I had found a group of friends that became brothers to me. They knew I was on some kind of journey and they supported me every step of the way. They had my back and supported every crazy, dangerous adventure I ever went on. From all over America to the proper middle of nowhere in Africa, they adventured with me everywhere; and, pretty much made sure I didn’t die. For this, I am eternally grateful and will never ever be able to repay them.
I have essentially been searching and searching for answers to the questions I had when I was three for the last seven years. Two months ago, I began going into a depression. I couldn’t understand why. I was doing the things that I once loved which had brought me much joy in the past, but those same things did nothing for me now. My energy levels were low. I began sleeping a lot. I didn’t get it.
This last year was the first since I learned how to meditate that I had not been strict about it. Nothing made sense anymore. I felt I had no direction. As a result, I began grabbing on to hobbies of the past for an identity and sense of direction. This sense of direction and identity was always very short lived. It felt as though I was standing on a bridge made of sand. Every time I seemed to take a step and relax into a niche, the water began washing the sand right out from under my feet. The more external things I grabbed at, the faster the sand from underneath my feet washed away.
About a month ago I began diving back into mindfulness meditation after reading a book this summer, called The Miracle of Mindfulness, by the Zen Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hanh. This book changed not only how I meditated, but how I lived. His teachings have shown me what I have been searching for all along. Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, has also helped a great deal in my quest! It turns out that the spiritual teachings of all of the major religions have living presently in the moment as some of the most fundamental teachings.
I have traveled and traveled, gone on one adventure after another, bought material objects, looked and looked, and asked and questioned everyone who seemed like they may have the answers I sought. I had been going about this whole being a human thing all wrong. I was looking outside of myself for the answers. I was looking outside of myself for the greatest adventure story ever written. I was seeking to end my suffering and the suffering of those around me through physical actions. I was looking to find a state of perpetual bliss in the mountains, in the vast desert, in material objects, and in books. I looked everywhere except deep within.
Sometimes we travel to the ends of the Earth, do extreme things, read lots of books, skydive, watch tons of movies, spend time in solitude deep in the snowy mountains with no food, we fast, we go to church/temple/mosque, eat lots of donuts, all because we ultimately seek the same thing. Whether we seek answers, spiritual wisdom, the ultimate adventure, a great story, pleasure, joy, laughter, bliss, or freedom, it is all within us. The greatest things in life come from within. The love you have for your family, friends, or children; the joy you feel when you are doing your favorite thing, the happiness you feel when you are at your favorite place in the whole world, and the peace you feel when you sit next to a tree in silence on a warm summer day, all come from within.
Everything is within you. You can never be broken. You do not need anything to make you whole; you were born whole. The only things that can break are the mind and ego. And, you are neither your mind nor your ego. You are comprised of the very fabric that makes up the Universe. In fact, you are the Universe- some people call this God. This is all within you. Live intensely in the present moment and, no matter where you are, what you are doing, what your life situation is presenting to you, you can tap into this so long as you live in the present. Smile, laugh, be goofy, dance, do what you love, create, and spread joy my friends!
You don't have to sit on a snowy mountain or cross-legged on a yoga mat to be present and one with the moment. You can be present everywhere and anywhere that you are. Often times the things we enjoy are the things that bring us into the present moment the most.
An example of this is shooting. When one is operating a firearm one tends to be fully present. Any thoughts about anticipated recoil (the future) or contemplation on the previous shot (the past) and the current shot placement will be effected. One must focus all their attention on their breathing, body position, the tension on one's trigger finger, awareness of the wind, the way the light/sun casts a shadow on one's target, the alignment of the sights, etc. Life is the same way. When you live in a state of awareness in the present, everything in life begins to align no differently from shots on a target.
It is all intertwined in a beautiful, playful dance. The best part is that once you learn to be fully present, you enjoy the same freedom of doing the things you love in tasks you once found mundane. Such is the playful nature of life! Such is the simple secret to escaping suffering and attaining fulfillment and bliss. So, be happy, do what you love, laugh often, have a light heart, be goofy, show love to all, be present, and remember that the greatest adventure of all is within!