Hey Steemit, long time no see ! Been struggling with life, but still love you ! Today I'd like to talk about Borderline personality disorder (BPD), give you a little bit of info on what it is and mainly on how it feels. Let's get into it !
Definition
The national institute of mental health:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to days.
Some people with BPD also have high rates of co-occurring mental disorders, such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and eating disorders, along with substance abuse, self-harm, suicidal thinking and behaviors, and suicide.
A person suffering from BPD might wake up with a great mood, then something seemingly minor (it doesn't seem minor to them) happens and they might feel like shit for the rest of the day. It also means you can't have weak relationships with anyone, you either love them or hate them. Only black and white for people with BPD. Ignoring all the flaws or the good. This means you have periods where you feel so empty you do anything to feel at least something, even pain.. Cutting, burning, even punching walls.. When you do something potentially harmful you do it full speed - drinking till you pass out, drugs to the point of OD, stuff like that. Not being sure who you are or what it actually means to be yourself.
BPD is developed during the childhood, it's partly genetic, but is mainly environmental. It develops when an emotionally vulnerable person is the target of abuse - be it emotional, physical or sexual. Being neglected by parents, being raised in a mainly practical manner with no consideration for emotions.
This disorder is believed to mainly affect women, but men with this disorder do exist. It is theorized that there are many men affected by this disorder, who are either misdiagnosed or never seek help at all.
Symptoms
Feeling some of these is completely alright, it doesn't mean anything, feeling most or all(god forbid) of them might mean you should look into this further :
-Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
-A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
-Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
-Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
-Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
-Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
-Chronic feelings of emptiness
-Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
-Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
-Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder
How it feels
Ever walk into a room and hear someone laugh ? When you have BPD, you think they're laughing at you.
Ever had a friend cancel an event you looked forward to ? When you have BPD, you think they hate you and your friendship is over.
Ever seen someone scowl ? With BPD, you think they hate you.
Ever had a friend/lover not return messages or calls ? With BPD, you think it's over.
Going gambling to feel SOMETHING.
Drugs till the very edge of OD - hey maybe I'll die !
Feeling completely useless and worthless, because you're all alone and hating people when you aren't.
Trying to get someone to love you, but pushing them away at the same time. They will leave anyway, why even let them get close ?
Everyone leaves you, even when they don't.
Extreme outbursts of rage/ sadness.
No one understanding you - "Just man up !"
Fighting people that hurt you in your head over and over and over again.
Wishing there was someone to hold you and pushing them away when there are.
Fuck off, I hate you ! (Please stay...)
Being overcommitted to every romantic relationship you have, to the point of suffocating love inside the other person. Being extremely needy, wanting their attention all the time. Other days barely even greeting them.
Feeling extremely worthless whenever you "fail" in a social situation. Does everyone hate me now ?
Conclusion
Alright folks, hope you got something out of this, it certainly allowed me to vent.. Lately there have been a great many, mostly young girls, who openly talk about self hurting, bulimia, anorexia, feelings of emptiness, depression and a great many other issues. Please try not to judge them or even call them out.
Yes, there are people that do this for attention or use a potentially deadly disease as a defining factor of themself, because they have nothing else interesting about them, but calling people out might actually push someone already drowning into even deeper water. :(
