What's good everybody it's your boy, Charlie!
This is in regard to an earlier Facebook post I made...I apologize for my earlier status and I truly appreciate your concern. thank you to my friends and family. Thank you to everyone who checked in on me after a post I made earlier. I decided to take it down before I caused any more concern because I don't want people to think I'm in any danger of harming myself. The reason I decided to post, was because I just wanted to express and release some sadness I have, and it kind of just poured out of the cup.
I however want to be honest and upfront with my feelings because that's what I ask of my students and my peers and I want to live in a world where I am and get to be myself. For a long time, I have not been like myself or better yet understood what that meant. I have felt empty. I connect a lot with the character Number 1 from Umbrella Academy. I have aimed a lot of my life trying to get myself to be a good guy by my own means. And in the end, I feel alone on the moon trapped with feelings of resentment for time lost. Imposter syndrome is something I see a lot associated with these feelings and maybe that is what I am experiencing. I also have not gone out to seek professional help on this matter because frankly I have a hard time asking for it but I'm considering it. Social Media obviously doesn't help but like anything shouldn't be the crutch to easily put it on. It's me. It's how I am reacting to it and giving it my energy. And being able to redirect that in others and helping them through it always made me happy. I thought the summer away from camp would have given me that peace of mind but it doesn't. The structure that made me complete was gone and having that ability to create a day for others. To make them happy. It was something I truly enjoyed. Even if I got nothing out of it, at least other people got to be happy. But that cannot be enough can it? Is it enough for Charlie to do and break to make other's happy? These are all things I'm asking myself constantly and ultimately trips me into feeling this paralyzing guilt. A tough lesson I've been given is that the biggest of heroes have the saddest of smiles. So ultimately I know this battle with myself is not over by a long shot. And I hope that I can come out of it ready enough to do what I need to do. And find what makes me, me again.
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