From time to time I read Coroner reports.
Coroner reports are required if there is something out of the norm with the death; violent, unexpected, unidentified, medical complications, and so forth
Why?
DNA could be a factor, my mother has read the obituaries forever. It is something of interest to her.
Many times she will look up from the paper and say "Oh, your primary school friend, Stuart's, father died."
I could picture us being scribes in an ancient time, recording history by candlelight.
My interest in Coroner's reports came from wanting to know what happened to people who died in hiking areas.
The news would headline, "Hiker lost", then after a few days, "Hiker found dead at base of cliff" ... but there was no other information most times to explain the circumstance and outcome.
Sometimes it was an accident, suicide, or murder, and for some reason I like to know the "Why."
I guess it triggers in me stories of a couple of friend's parent who committed suicide by going to a hiking area.
I wonder what was going through their head, did they try to ask for help?
Or how an accident came about. Was the hiker ill prepared, the reason, the rhyme.
In depth
Coroner's reports are in-depth and cover alot of information.
The circumstance, the cause of death, the background of the individual, any relevant professional contribution & any recommendations to any particular group.
The report is to set out the facts regarding the death.
It isn't there, most times, to lay blame, although, for this post, a case I was reading, points toward blaming the husband for the wife's death.
Responsibility for others
In the case I was reading, the wife had some mental breakdown after her mother died. She develop an anorexic condition combined with reclusive behaviour.
As part of her behaviour, she had her husband buy her aggressive laxatives.
Apparantly, substantial amounts of this aggressive laxative.
The husband purchased it, even though the wife was wasting away, to avoid her wrath.
Ultimately, she died from anorexia.
The Coroner layed some of the responsibility upon the husband.
The failure to seek medical attention was a serious ommission in breach of an undeniable duty of care"
Family experience #1
I've seen family members having to deal with their spouse who is obviously in need of medical care, but, refuse to allow the partner to engage help.
The companionship of the couple has engendered a weird mindset.
In one family situation, the whole family, knew that one of our relatives was unwell, complained of soreness, but, refused to seek any medical help.
The partner was hounded many times to do something about it.
But, she refused. Which is her right.
A few years later, she was ringing friends and relatives, asking how to stop some pain and some bleeding. All of the relatives said "Call an ambulance!"
The husband, also being told to call an ambulance, said that she doesn't want one, that she'll be fine.
The situation worsened, an ambulance was called, but when it arrived, the paramedics who dismissed by her.
Later, a second ambulance was called. Also dismissed.
Finally, a third was called, this time the paramedic refused to take, "No.", for an answer, and she was put straight into Emergency Intensive Care.
A few days later, she died.
If she had of passed away at home, with nobody ringing for an ambulance, it would be easy to point fingers on what her husband should have done.
But he didn't want to upset her. Their relationship had endured for decades.
She made lifestyle choices that put her own life at risk.
Friend experience #2
On a flip side, when a partner rang lifeline to assist when his partner was contemplating suicide, the Lifeline operator, always chastised the partner when he wanted to action something to make things safer.
The Lifeline operator, and later, the medical practitioner, told the partner that he was not allowed to tell another person what to do.
But also, he needs to support her and care for her.
He was perplexed.
"You know something, living with someone with a mental problem, makes you mental too."
He was dealing with a partner who was no longer the same person that he married, lived with, shared responsibilities together. This was a new relationship. It was not equal. He did not have any support.
He was meant to be available to help, but, needed to respect what she wanted to do, regardless, what impact that would have upon his own well being.
Back to responsibility
Where is the line where I can override another person's wishes?
If the husband refused to buy the laxatives, if he confided in the chemist (if it was the same chemist, why didn't they report the excessive purchases?), would he have been told that she has the right to take what she likes?
Apparantly, her decimated condition, should have alerted the husband to seek help. But if the wife was cognitively aware and vehemently unwilling to co-operate?
I had a great-aunty, who for the last years of her life, just sat by the phone eating Mars bars until she died in her 90's.
What if the husband just packed his bags and left? Is that also doing something wrong?
To take it more dramatically, if a loved one is smoking or drinking, do I have the right to report them? I care about them? What level of activity, what age of the person, what symptoms, what level of training do we need?
Death.
We all die. We'd like the how, and the why, to be something dignified.
Prior to dying, we hope that we have enough mental and physical capacity to be independent for as long as possible.
What happens if my mental stagnation causes me to behave irrationally?
A friend's father in law had a stroke, refused help, sent $10,000's to scam racketuers, crawled to the bus stop to take himself to the doctors, ended up dying, with family members just bewildered that this intelligent, independent man's demise after his wife died.
Too unwell or too proud to ask for help.
Madness
Is collective madness still a lonely road?
If there is minimal interaction with the outside world, routines dictate the movements of your life, just like the second hand of a clock, keeps tempo to our living.
A dominant person, a passive person, some people are just able to process extreme circumstances in life. Events can fall upon us in the blink of an eye.
Yesterday, they were a married couple, smiling and devoted to each other.
Time, twists that devotion into a form of abuse upon the one's that we are meant to love.
The husband didn't want the cards to be dealt this way. He didn't know how to play them.
Misery in the heart creates a nightmare that you can never wake from.
