Being human isn’t easy, and with all the discussion around depression lately I figured I’d toss in my two cents, seeing as I have some experience with it. I think mental health is something everyone navigates, and each of us has a different path to walk—but we’re not alone.
Ever since I was a little girl…
I’ve always felt alone. Being an only child didn’t help. I wanted to be a fox, or a cat, or a tree, or a dolphin, or a unicorn. Or a dragon. Definitely not a human, though. People were strange long before I heard the song by the Doors.
The first time I thought about wanting out, I was in grade four. I remember lying beneath an elephant-leafed plant wondering if I could kill myself with a knife.
Why? Because I felt terribly, horribly alone. And I felt like every mistake I made, every wrong thing that happened to me was my fault, and that I’d never be good enough. So I wanted out.
I’m grateful I never went through with those thoughts, which visited most frequently in my teens. I lost my uncle to suicide, and have seen it impact many people’s lives. Those thoughts of wanting out showed up again, briefly, when I was deep in postpartum depression, but I sent them away.
I sent them away.
The good thing is that I recognize the pattern, now. I can derail the depression some—choose different thoughts and not get dragged down into the darkness.
But the sadness still rises. The feeling of aloneness prevails.
I read somewhere that being alone is part of the human journey. That loneliness is something all of us deal with. And I know what I need to do:
I have to be so strong in myself that I need nothing from anyone else.
But, fuck, sometimes I’m not. Or maybe I am that strong, it just hurts.
Being human is one hell of a ride.
photo: Nat Anfield | model: Katrina Ariel
Here I am talking myself down…
I’ve done a lot of soul-seeking, and studied spiritual philosophies from various places in the world. I believe in a Oneness that holds us all, and it helps when I go big picture and remember this.
We call it different names, and have different archetypes as an attempt to understand the divine with our human minds, but any way you slice it, faith is a powerful thing.
Tantra says the Goddess, Shakti, breathes herself into you when you take your first breath, and breathes you back into herself when it is time to return this body to the earth. The one becomes the many in order to experience itself.
I am that. You, and I, and everyone else comes from the same source.
Chi.
Prana.
Life force.
These exist in us all, in trees and animals and storms. The world is alive and we are part of it.
More than one spiritual teacher has talked about the illusion of being separate from the divine energy that runs through us, that this illusion is the root of loneliness. Okay, I know in my heart that the oneness is real, but I still manage to fall for the old human trap of forgetting.
And no, I haven’t been meditating enough lately. But playing music counts. And I get on my yoga mat every morning without fail—except for some mornings, like today, when I go outside barefoot and do my practice in the grass.
But I'm human…
Being human is hard, especially when I’m hard on myself.
And it is so easy to be hard on yourself when you’re a mom. There are also some ridiculous hormones that go along with being a mother, and they don’t necessarily make things easier.
Almost every day a cynical voice in my head says, “You picked the wrong profession.”
Thanks, voice in my head, but that isn’t really helpful.
But it persists. Because I don’t really want to feel like a slave to two little boys, constantly picking up a house that will never stay clean, having them do the opposite of what I say, or complain when I’m trying to help them. Why did I think having children was a good idea?
Being on call 24/7 takes its toll. And I’m only four years in.
When I lose patience, I’m hard on myself.
When I’m tired, I’m hard on myself. And I’m feeding them, but don’t feel much like feeding myself, which doesn’t help. When they’re driving me crazy, I remind myself that I chose to have children, and you know what? Taking responsibility isn’t always fun. Owning up to my own issues isn’t fun.
And when I look at the state of the world, it is frighteningly easy to feel hopeless.
But I love my children, and I love this planet, and despite the fact that I sometimes think I signed up for the wrong species on my current earth trip, I’m grateful for this life.
So I soldier on, laugh as much as I can, and try to keep things in perspective. This too shall pass.
photo: Nat Anfield | model: Katrina Ariel
I’d rather feel…
Being able to quiet my thoughts can make emotions not so intense, and I think there is wisdom in being able to witness the workings of the mind. Meditation and mindfulness have helped me a lot on my journey. But I’d never want to be a monk. I wouldn’t want to try to be calm and even-tempered all the time.
I’m a passionate person and I can’t hide it, which has gotten me in a lot of trouble, but it’s who I am. And I’d rather experience the fullness of life… to suck the marrow out, so to speak.
So I try to find peace in the low points, and enjoy the highs as much as possible. I try to embrace who I am and appreciate life as it is, right now. Because I never know how long this gift of a life will last.
Carpe diem, all the way.
Thank you for reading this.
As intense as life is, we can help each other by honouring each person’s humanness, and stop expecting anyone (especially ourselves) to be anything but human.
We need respect each other and realize mental health affects everyone in one way or another. It’s okay if you’re struggling, and you don’t need to hide. Reach out if you need help! None of us are alone, even though it can feel like it.
Honestly, Steemit has helped me feel less alone, so thank you!!!
Take care of yourself, you are a gift!
All photos mine unless otherwise credited.
Author bio: Katrina Ariel is an old-soul rebel, musician, tree-hugging yogini, and mama bear to twins. Author of Yoga for Dragon Riders (non-fiction) and Wild Horse Heart (romance), she's another free-spirit swimming in the ocean of Steemit.
dragon art: Liiga Smilshkalne
