Can I get a fuck yes for the title?
Okay; thank you. I thought of it myself.
I hope that in this you can tell that I don’t care about anyone’s opinion, ((specially)).
Politics before personalities as they say.
Yet, I am willing challenge my own belief and entertain the fact that I am probably wrong about a lot of things. I guess, isn’t that my job?
I do want to be heard, but not for the sake of media attention. I’ve had pointless attention that I believed had meaning at the time. And it’s a rollercoaster. They spin the narrative; they tell the story how they want too — and they don’t really care about the story the individual desires to tell. So I write a blog on the interweb where I am producer, writer, editor, director and I do #whatthefuckever I want to do on here.
Yes, I am to be a doctor — a chiropractor mind you. I hope to go onwards even more so afterwards. I want to understand the biopsychosocial model of mental illness.
Why chiropractic? I want more independent research on this. [please watch Youtube video].
And what advice can I give you as a student doctor of chiropractic — [nothing, I am learning]. The evidence and understanding I wish to bring forth into the world is going to take a minute or two. I am not interested in quackery. I want to substantiate my claims. I can’t do that on a blog with the level of education that I currently have; and the lack of anything but assumptions that I can build onto.
I want to change the mental health industry for the better and benefit of those suffering. Not for the benefit of anyone else — including the pharmaceutical companies. Independent research and education on the topic are what I hope to contribute one day. Right now? All I can give you is my pain.
I hope when you read it you see, “me too.”
Because we are not alone; only reflections of each other. We all have suffered in ways hard to describe — and it’s a barrier. It creates stigma and distance from those who are not able to perceive. So; I am only here to say hi. I am documenting my journey through the process in a way I believe can be beneficial.
And that’s why I do what I do.
Am I angry?
Sure — who the hell; isn’t?
I guess I just express it so.
Manlike.
I believe rage is one of the “intolerable” emotions that civil people “have” or “don’t have”. Truthfully, I am not sure most people are aware of the purpose behind anger. The emotion has a purpose; children are learning how to funnel and cope with the strong emotions they feel growing up.
When you are abused;
One feels it on a whole other level.
It’s like a red, inflamed bullet wound
It throbs uncontrollably — what does one do?
This is simply from my experience being a child who had temper tantrums. I felt as if I was attempting to express something that I could not articulate or verbalise. I notice that in my son now as he is learning English. He sometimes is attempting to communicate with me something — and if I don’t get it? He verbally gets huffy and puffy.
The mother and her era treated that as “disrespect” or “a lack of patience” when truthfully for some of us it was a lack of words and ways to express. Growing up I did not possess many modes of creativity. I was not given outlets to channel my deep emotions into. Perhaps, that is what led me to intense journaling as a child. Being in my room alone for punishment a lot gets old. That’s where I really began writing like this.
I learned how to express myself through my journal entries.
I am grateful for the gift isolation gave me in the form of “time outs” or “grounding”. I learned how to write there — what happened however is I took on my parents narrative for awhile. The truth is I desire to explore myself authentically; and live that.
I keep muttering to myself as I am cleaning the house or doing school work — “it’s about progress and the process not perfection.” I think I am a backwards perfectionist as I don’t even attempt “trying” as I can’t stand when I fall short of the bar I set.
soijuststop.
trying.
And here we the fuck are — blogging.
And do I love it?
Yes.
It’s where I funnel my anger in the form of art. I can see my passion and the flaws within my own character when I look at these judgments.
I am suppose to be studying for boards at this very moment. So I need to go now, you see — I guess I just wanted to explain the type of doctor I wanted to be. And that “doctor image” of a person in a white coat — gross. It reminds me of purity culture because those things began in surgery and ended covered in blood. I am not here to be anyone’s saviour.
Truthfully, I am involved in mental health awareness because it’s my own self advocacy.