Let’s Start the Dialogue… My Name is Lexie - #MentalHealthMonday

Mental health and illnesses are usually spoken about in hushed tones by embarrassed individuals who recognize there is a negative stigma surrounding these topics. Thankfully, being open and honest about our emotional wellbeing is becoming a little more mainstream but we, as a society, still have a long way to go. That’s why I am proposing #mentalhealthmonday.

Am I starting this initiative because I have no one else to talk to and am too tired to continue carrying my mental burdens alone? Perhaps. Actually, yes. That’s a big part of it. I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to that can relate… and that ability to connect and communicate is one of the most important parts of reducing stigma, making mental health conversation more commonplace, and of course taking care of ourselves. So yes, #mentalhealthmonday is an initative to take a day to be real with one another… really real. Visceral. Volatile. To face all the things we endure in silence and don’t talk about.

I propose that every Monday we start a dialogue about how our past week has been and where we are in our current emotional state. If you are doing great and want to bask in the glow, share it! If you are struggling and need to vent, speak up!

Let’s start the dialogue about mental health - I’ll go first.

Hi. This is me. It’s an old picture but I haven’t changed much. My real name is Lexie and I’m incredibly apprehensive about writing these words and sharing my thoughts with you (and my brother who sometimes checks in and reads my posts… hi brother). My name is Lexie and I am fucking struggling.

My entire blog here on Steemit is focused on personal development and, through that venture, homesteading. But both of those aspects of writing stemmed from my struggle with depression and poor mental health.

A long time ago, Hive account@pennsif ran a contest about “Homestead Happiness” and, with great trepidation, I wrote a post for it. I said,

“If I can’t end my life, I have to learn to live it. [But] The thought of another 60 some odd years of feeling the same dark malaise was almost unbearable. I wanted to run away to a quiet and desolate place. I wanted to avoid everyone and everything. I didn’t want to die… but I also didn’t want to truly live. I wanted to coast through the years until I could pass from old age guilt free.”

And that’s where my journey with homesteading began. It was my scapegoat, my idea to pass time, to keep myself busy and to keep myself from thinking. It worked for a while.

But let’s be honest - I don’t know what I want! Everyone I know has it together. Kids, married, job, etc. By comparison? I’m a college dropout, unemployed and living with her parents. I applied for fucking disability because my brain won’t function right even on antidepressants (and was denied of course), endured an emotionally abusive relationship, left my long term relationship just two days ago because my boyfriend who is..was… my best friend cheated on me, and haven’t left the house for all intents and purposes in almost 4 years. I’m tired. Tired of everything.

Why does no one talk about how hard it is to live when you don’t know what you want from life?! And why don’t more people understand how hard it is for some people to simply stay alive, much less live?

So I’ve been having a tough time lately. And I’m not ashamed to admit it anymore. If being honest about how screwed up my life is can either help me recover or help others start talking about mental health, I guess it will be worth it.