MentalHealthMonday - An Empty Bucket

Every day that has passed is simply another check on the calendar. One more down… how many more to go before I start feeling normal again?

Emotions are weird. Human beings, our minds/bodies/souls, have a heart full of emotions like a big ole’ bucket filled with water. And every day is a steady stream being poured from it. But I feel like my bucket just got kicked over and dumped in the span of a week or two, drained dry, and now I’m empty. I think I’ve felt everything that I could possibly feel and now my bucket has to fill up again before I can start… well, feeling again. Part of me wonders if this is the apathetic mindset depression so frequently gifts me with, or if it’s just because I’m exhausted from feeling too much and I need a break before I drive myself crazy.

It almost feels normal to not see my ex anymore. As if the past 2.5 years with him were a blur; surreal like a movie I watched long ago but not an experience I lived and am remembering. And it’s weird to feel this… non-feeling. Maybe that’s a part of (slowly) moving on, maybe it’s a part of my depression, maybe it’s my stupid, empty bucket… I think I’m so emotionally exhausted that I don’t even really feel exhausted.

I know that below my non-feelings are tumultuous emotions like bitter hurt and the ache of missing someone so integral to your every day life. But it’s hard for me to feel them unless I do something that directly brings them to the surface… like talk to my ex. So we still talk, on and off, civilly discussing our emotions about what happened and what, if anything, our future holds. Those are the only times I feel. Otherwise, it’s like I’m living my life on an auto-pilot setting.