Deep Thoughts

I wake up before the sun rises. I notice my toddler sleeping next to me. She snuck in. Cute little thing, her face like an angels, arms spread out, legs over top the blanket. I could just stay in bed, snuggle up against her and fall back asleep.

Gotta get out of bed, put wood in the fire and wake up the other 2 to go to school. Daily routine.
Make breakfast, make the lunches, repeat to them to continue eating, brush their teeth and get dressed. Toddler whining to be in my arms. I can't I am still making their lunches and then brushing their hair after.

Kids are on the bus, gone to school. I won't see them till 4pm.

The routine kicks in more now. But I don't want anything to do with it. It keeps me feeling turmoiled, continuing the same thing over and over again. I can't do it.

As I slip away into darker places, I don't notice it, creating a new routine, it's flat, deflated.
I have a lot to do. I don't want to do it. I cannot make myself move, bring myself to do what is needed to keep a clean house. It is always the same. I grow tired of it. I grow tired.

Be still. Maybe I am too still. Or it is not the right stillness? An empty space inside my head is grabbing me. It is weak but it is also strong. Try and shake it off. It lasts 5 minutes but I am back in it. Sigh.

I have baking to do, about 50 Easter desserts, 20 due for Wednesday. This will be nice. Oh but I have dishes. Blegh, I don't want to do dishes.

Time is flying as I keep my mind distracted by other things that are not really as important. Trying to be entertained. But I am not laughing. I am not smiling. Is it really fun? I need to get out. All my curtains keep the sun outside. Keeping my mind closed feeding the empty space in my head.

I am losing my thoughts. That empty space has become more spread out, taking more room, I can't think. I can't remember anymore. I am more tired. I could spend more time sleeping. That would be nice. Would I be just as tired as when I woke up? Sleep all day? No I can't. Toddler depends on me.

I need a break! Stop the crying, stop the whining. It is getting harder and harder to deal with. Can things just be quiet for some time? When will I get to do the things that I want to do? Or am I already doing it? I don't know anymore. Give me space.

I don't want to argue anymore. I am too tired of it. I need peace of mind. Please don't bite. I bite harder. I know how to get to where it hurts the most. I really do not want to go there. Please don't push it. I do not have the energy to keep giving you warning. I am already at my limits.

Please see me. I want to cry but I have no reason. Crying is weak, shows I am in need. In need of what? I have everything. A family, a home, a husband. But it floats, grabbing at my throat making it tight and hard to push back. I don't like to cry. Don't look at me. Walk away.

I can't hold things together. My grasp on things, keeping my family solid is slowly slipping. My grip has loosen as though an oil took place of the top layer of skin.
Where is my fight to keep it good? Where is the meaning and will? I have to find it. I have little energy to even see it.
I am heartbroken without a reason. What is wrong with me. Let me breath!

Let it flow. Move through it. I don't know how. I feel like I let things be but it keeps me stuck in a pit of tar. At first, just my toes, then my foot, my ankle, to my shin. Don't let it take my other foot. Hold on to that branch in the cliff's wall. Keep your other foot steady on that rock. Pull yourself out.

I am tired. Let one arm hand down, let it rest and have the blood flow back to it. My other arm is getting tired holding all the weight with it. Get that arm back up. DO NOT FALL!

Everyday routine keeps me here. I have tired in my eyes, I can't shake it off. Let me sleep please. Can I promise to be better when I wake up? I don't know, I don't know anything anymore....