It all started when I started acting more recklessly. I stayed out of home for days that I would forget to take my antidepressants & mood-stabilizing medications. I said to myself, “fuck it, I wanted to quit this shit anyway”. I’ve been on various antidepressant medications for 7 years now. I kind of thought it wasn’t going to be that bad, as a few days of skipping meds turned into a few weeks. Long, miserably tough weeks. I said to myself that I couldn’t do this so I started taking them again, only once to twice a week – but not always. I am probably in my 5th week now. I’ve come to realize that my fear of quitting meds are becoming a nightmarish reality. Here are the things that I started to experience…
Severe Mood Swings
Let’s start with the simplest thing. So here’s an example…I’m trying to have a conversation, all smiley and bubbly, then I get the slightest hint that this person doesn’t want to talk to me, and from a minute of laughing comes a minute of suicidal tendencies – I fucking flip inside of my head, mentally beating myself up for thinking that there is hope for me to have a normal relationship with any human being…because it is simply just NOT POSSIBLE. (What the fuck was I thinking, anyway?!)
Insomnia & Excessive Sleeping
I would sometimes stay awake for 48 hours with getting probably 3 hours of irregular sleep, to the point I started to hallucinate and can’t hear my thoughts from how tired I was. I would force myself to sleep but I usually end up awake in bed for 4 or 5 hours, with random thoughts running through my mind, until I give up and eventually get out of bed, trying to do something to distract me from the voices in my head. Eventually, I would sometimes pass out on the couch or table. Then sleep up to 18 hours. Wake up, eat, use the bathroom, and sleep again. Until I have enough energy to stay awake for another 2 days or so. Then the cycle continues.
Irritability
I finally found a way to express my feelings through action and not bottle it all up, like I have for the past 7 years I was on meds. Except that, most of these feelings I let out usually consist of agitation, irritability, or pure anger. I would mindlessly stab random things, food or not, with a knife and feel the slightest bit of relief from the sound of the knife going through. I would also slam things down a bit too hard that something ends up breaking. Then if I was having a mental breakdown I would smash my whole body against a wall, hoping to (but not necessarily willing to) break a bone or add more bruises on my skin. And on a social level, that point does me no good at all. I usually end up yelling, cursing, and if things did get worse, I always kept in mind that I could use my knife.
Disturbing Thoughts
I’d get these a lot, even though it is also out of my complete control. Disturbing images run through my mind that I do not want to think of. And if I remember my dreams – if I ever got any proper deep sleep – they would usually consist of something dark and twisted (usually revolving around my broken childhood or the neighborhood I used to live in) sometimes even waking me up shocked, sweating and crying.
Flu-Like Symptoms
80% of the time I feel nauseous, feverish, or that I’m just coming up with something. The other night I was out in a café and I was experiencing a migraine attack. I had a strange headache and couldn’t look at the lights that I ended up wearing my sunglasses on my way back home.
Apathy & Hopelessness
As for a new kind of apathy, I recently found out that I have 99% lost my interest in maintaining my relationships with anyone – friends and family. I no longer want to get too close to anyone else, because I don’t want to experience any more pain, since everybody keeps leaving me and avoiding me…one by one. I have about 20 so-called friends that have ditched me so far the past few weeks. And now, my family wishes to do so too.
Slight Hallucinations
Occasionally near my irregular bedtime, I hear sounds like whispers and see shadows/lights at the corners of my eyes. This happened about 3 or 4 times so far, but it may be caused from my lack of proper sleep.
Paranoia
I would also usually think someone is watching me, even if I was in a room with closed windows. I feel very paranoid even when I am alone. So paranoid that I start to get anxiety attacks, and having sudden urges to disappear and change my appearance and travel to a whole new different country and start a new life. Sometimes I want to start all over again, but another part of me wants to end it all.
Social Issues
As long as I remember, I’ve always had social issues. But right now, I don’t know how to deal with people as I used to. I stopped using some major social networks and plan on not seeing many people for the next few months. I blocked all calls from reaching me on my phone. When someone asks if I am alright, I usually don’t reply and change the subject – I hate to lie and I will stop acting or sugarcoating things. I will not pretend to be friendly, nice or sympathetic, because I no longer am (friends that have left me are proof of that).
Agoraphobia
I have developed a worse fear of being in overcrowded places. Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating and can’t breathe or think clearly and start to get very agitated and irritable. I usually save myself by escaping these crowds and going to a less populated area, better yet, a bathroom, where I can get myself together. Numerous times – before I started medications – have occurred where I am in an overly crowded closed place, such as a birthday or a party, and I end up panicking and breaking down in the bathroom. This is starting to happen again. This barely used to happen before, but now I get these times where all of a sudden I feel very light-headed, my chest starts to hurt and my pulse is beating too hard I can hear it in my head, I start to think that something is going to happen to me right now, and I have no control over anything and feel completely helpless and start to panic. *
Being Disconnected From Reality
I don’t know how to explain this part at all. At times I catch myself zoning out completely, staring into space for what seems like hours, and if someone tried to talk to me I just couldn’t gather my thoughts or words to reply back – because when that happens, I have no thoughts at all. It’s like my mind suddenly silenced itself and I’m completely blank, unable to perform any action for some very long minutes. Sometimes to the point where I feel drugged and “high”. In other words, completely and utterly zombified. Not only that, but sometimes when I snap back, I feel and act…different. * (I have actually been experiencing this for a few months now, but I did realize it is somewhat increasing since I screwed up my medication intake.) So here’s the majority of the things I have been experiencing in the past few weeks. I don’t know how long this will last. I don’t know if I am relapsing. I don’t know if I will be hospitalized again. I honestly don’t know if I will survive all of this if it gets worse. It’s been about 5 weeks now and I am feeling worse by the day and I know I will have to go to my therapist soon, despite how scared I am she would put me on more meds again…
MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you are on any kind of antidepressant or medications and want to quit (which you should eventually - psychiatric drugs are basically legal poison...thanks to Big Pharma), PLEASE DO IT THE RIGHT WAY. IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, DON’T DO IT YOURSELF. GO TO YOUR DOCTOR. TAPER IT DOWN VERY SLOWLY. OR ELSE YOU WILL EXPERIENCE EXTREME WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS, LIKE I DID – OR EVEN WORSE – RELAPSE.
Stay safe and don’t take your health for granted.
You only have one body anyway.