With the fan above flashing light and shadow in a hypnotic rhythm, reflection of these past months flutter through my mind.
These thoughts have left me turbulent and lost in finding the cheer I once had for "saving the world." This, despite years spent understanding the manner of love; grasping the ability to give to others what God gives me. For none are truly saints without sin. We are undeserving recipients of God's Mercy and Grace. Whatever you might believe, surely the truth is clear that you have done wrong at many points in life. Do not weigh or judge your wrongs against others. They're yours.
I railed at humanity in the prison of my worldly fears and pain. My face I could paint, but the energy of my facade may as well have been that of a bruised and battered woman. I swallowed the pain and curled up in a ball of fear. I forgive myself a bit for that because as a mother, the truth that people, with God only knows what reasons, or lack thereof, chose to threaten and then contact real individuals to cause destruction in my life.
I do not understand why anyone might choose to believe I am a threat that should be harmed. I find it unfathomable that anyone might find some form of ill intent in myself. It is painful and the consequences of such assumptions are very real for my children and I. Did I forgive the hate toward me previously? Perhaps. However, when my children became affected, I became horrified and ashamed to have ever thought I, myself, might bring goodness in some form to this world - through social media. Alive, the monster roared. Nobody of consequence to the public world, it growled and skidded into a crashing mess upon my very own life. The same disaster of witnessing and knowing innocent public figures and their family members are maligned and harassed by pitchfork wielding "good" people... Because there is a process of assumptions, misdirection, and lack of proper investigative discretion. Nobody can enforce the public to follow due diligence to provide the burden of proof before pronouncing others as guilty. It is simply a matter of hoping each person might think first and have the integrity not to believe -everything they put together on the internet is absolutely true. Wishful thinking on my part. The reality is the bullet wounding so many innocent individuals... Marked with grooves of ignorance and lack of concern. Amongst the shells littering such wasted energy are marks made even by those individuals that believe they are righteous acting in good faith. Understanding the terrifying power of social media is a tough pill to swallow. I thought I knew, but the twisted depths are indescribable, let alone too complicated to expect, in entirety. That particular medicine of realization made me nearly choke on despair of my fractured vision of good vs evil.
Pain and disgust mingled with the fear clogging my life's breath. Yet, humanity was never perfect. How could I lose faith in humanity when my faith belongs with God. People have always been flawed. I am no better, but I cherish that Grace I am given, anyway.
I can only pray that we each find the wisdom to be more focused on building better and tuck our pointed fingers away. I thank God for forgiving me and I pray that He fuels me with the ability to know and share the love that He has. May I be a better mother and person as each day passes. I beg the Lord to guide me in finding some way to bring goodness to as many people as possible, despite my struggles with this world. I pray that each of you might see the truth in myself and others, but I know that I forgive you, even if you cannot. I forgive those that have harmed me and I apologize for living in fear and pain rather than remembering the truth that I am a humble and flawed soul that should look past the world, right to God.
I end this with my love. It belongs to all. Not one side. Not only the just.