In recent years late Baby Boomers and Gen Xers have found themselves becoming grandparents and in many cases unwilling participants in the lives of their grandchildren. The problem seems to be caused by millennials (like almost every other problem we are currently facing in the U.S). As the former youngsters stop pulling out and start dropping baby bombs up in their tinder dates/ wives the long and strenuous path of parent/adult hood begins.
Where depression era grandparents were genuinely excited in the 80’s and 90’s when their new play toys were born, the new generation of grandparents are somewhat less stoked on the concept.
Ron age 60 (new grandparent)
"Look I’m not saying I don’t like the kid or anything, but he’s kind of boring. I lost 12 years of nights out when his dad was a kid why the fuck do I want to hang out with a baby that ain’t even mine?"
Harold 62 (expecting grandparent)
"Man I just retired, divorced that cow of an ex, bought a tiny house on the lake and a Seado. If my asshole kid thinks for a second I’m giving up strange poon Saturday so he can take his wife out for drinks and get him some he’s out of his damn mind. I barely had sex (with his mom) for 18 years cus of his ass and everyone knows Saturdays is fo da bois!"
Possibly because of the internet; many older people most of whom are divorced are discovering “their best life” in their 50’s and 60’s. With sites available such as “our time”, “Lay matures” and “Backpage” older people have more options than ever when choosing who to spend their times with. Turns out older men are more into Latina hookers and women are more likely to spend their time with men who use Robert Redford to describe themselves in dating profiles.
But what effect is this having on the younger families and how might it affect the country in the long run? As significant others have less and less alone time it seems that erratic and strange behavior is on the rise in society and in the workplace.
Patrick age 31 (father of a 6 month old)
“I legit jerked off in my boss’s office yesterday in the hopes that I would get caught and obtain so sort of adult attention.”
Kristen age 30 (Patrick’s wife/ mother)
“I started watching the Twilight series again to see what love looks like. The baby screams at me until I give him a titty, and my husband just grunts and shakes his wiener at me every couple of days. Add to that the fact that I’m 30 pounds heavier I feel like a cow that belongs to a degenerate farmer.”
Past generations saw the benefit of leaving children with their grandparents while the parents went out on date nights or weekend trips to maintain their connection during a marriage. Unfortunately the new norm is fedora wearing grandfathers hopped up on testosterone therapy and Viagra. While the grandmothers spend their former husband’s retirement money on essential oils and their new boyfriend Rudy (who she tells you to call dad but fuck that noise he’s like 5 years older than me. I wouldn’t call his ass daddy even if he molested me in the two man tent back during the Cub scout/mission trip of 95).
An obvious solution to the issue would be finding a trust worthy baby sitter, but recent research conducted on popular babysitter site like Care.com revealed an awkward amount of young ladies with black lipstick. This indicates either a major trend change in women’s fashion or a coven of creepy ass juvenile witches that only desire the blood of the innocent, jury is still out.
