"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder," says the philosopher. Well, it's true! The psychologist tells you, everything is in the eye of the viewer.
What makes me say that? I also had experiences that showed me how simple it is to invent the man you are looking at. To believe it is good, valuable, authentic, just relying on your values, believing they are common to his. "From a distance he seemed a beautiful man .... But the closer I got in touch with the "ugly" of him. We believe that we are objective, but, as we have said many times, our brain does not seek the objective truth but the one that validates our beliefs, or the one that meets our needs of the moment. And sometimes we wake up (even after years) in the face of the fact that I was, that word, "by the way" .... So I think it's as good a moment as anybody else to think about why we invent people and how we could, from time to time, make sure we see the real man in front of us.
I will begin with the first part, the one in which I will try to explain why we end up having a relationship with the image of man and not with man in himself. Firstly, most of the time, we do not know what we want and not exactly exactly who we are. We think we know, but in fact we do not understand ourselves, let the other. And if we do not understand, we do not have the formula we expect and under what conditions from the one in front of us. So often we make vague things such as "I want to be happy" or "I want to feel safe" or "I want to be loved." We do not realize that if we do not formulate exactly what we need to be happy, we have no chance of reaching a degree of happiness (intermittent but existent), but only to a degree of unhappiness accompanied by constant hope that it will be better. Also, since we do not know what exactly man has to do to provide us with security, we end up solving things by legal (but not emotional) formality of a marriage certificate or a collaboration certificate in the case of a relationship professional. Last but not least, if we do not define what we need to feel loved, we often end up with a man who loves us but not in a way that will use us for something. Only the problem is that we live and that's what we do all day, so there's no time for self-knowledge. In addition, all movies and books support the concept that the soul mate comes with the exact delivery of all the things we need. So once I label man as "soul-mate" I refuse to accept that it does not fit and rummage to unhappiness (lack of affection, rejection or unavailability) constantly, accompanied by the uncreated belief that happiness "will come."
The next problem on the list would be that we not only do not know ourselves but, moreover, we do not understand the others. And how (most likely, according to the previous paragraph) they do not know who they are, they can not help us with concrete information. So what's left to do? Suppose. If we even realized that an assumption does not have to become reality, it would still be a job. But no, we do not do that much. Especially if the assumption about us addresses the need for affection or validation. I do not know if you do, but we rely on suppositions about others on appearances and on automatic equivalences. Exaggerating a bit, we believe that we know the man based on the color of the eyes, the books read, and the conclusions drawn between the lines, although this is similar to believing that you are reading the panel in front of the Cernavoda Power Plant to understand how a power plant works nuclear.
The last mechanism worth mentioning is our tendency to "freeze happiness", that is, to cling to a good moment and to ignore all alarm signals. Not seeing it as the start of the spectacle, but that the relationship does not have much to do with the beginning. In addition, we feel the need to stop seeking love. And that implies we think we found it.
What can we do to ensure we see the real man in front of us? Let us assume the inherent pain of objectivity. As far as we are concerned, the other. Let us question our automatic equivalences. A man who opens your car door is just a man with manners, not one who loves you or considers you important. Likewise, a woman who says she wants her children is a woman with a desire, not a pregnant mother. Or at least, if you take a wave, we do not do anything of this, have the courage to answer the question, "Is there a good relationship that has made it hard or a bad relationship where I stayed too long?"
Greetings my dear ones, have a wonderful night / day !