IF MONEY GREW ON TREES

IF MONEY GREW ON TREES

If money grew on trees, wouldn’t that be a good thing? Then everyone would have money, right? Not really—here is a more realistic scenario. Laws would be passed regulating the growing of money trees. Only the government, certain wealthy people, and large corporations would be allowed to grow money trees. The money tree seeds would be coins, which if planted in rich enough soil, would grow into large trees with paper money growing on the branches. Genetically engineered money trees would produce larger yields of money. The trees would be fertilized with the sweat of underpaid and overworked migrant workers. Derivatives would be sprayed on the orchards to guard against hedge-fund managers. Police would scour the countryside looking for illegally grown money trees and destroy them. Anyone who was caught illegally growing money trees would be arrested, and long prison sentences would be meted out to anyone growing or possessing money who was not approved by the government. Some people would try to grow their own money trees, and hybrids would be developed that were small enough to be grown indoors. A black market would develop which would give non-law-abiding citizens the money they needed to buy things they didn’t deserve, like food. The police would search the pockets of anyone they thought looked suspicious, and if they found any contraband money in their pockets, they would be arrested. Huge orchards of money trees would be surrounded by high fences and armed guards. The orchards, ostensibly run by the government, would actually be run by organized crime. Politicians would warn of the dangers of other countries growing their own money. Any country that tried to grow money without the consent of the oligarchy would be invaded and their money trees sprayed with Agent Orange. Any land that had money trees growing on it would be confiscated to keep the world financially secure. Large military bases would be set up to keep the money orchards safe from marauding poor people. The Supreme Court would rule that because “money is speech” anyone who wanted to practice free speech would have to pay heavy taxes, which would lessen the effect of the rabble being aroused by keeping all those annoying poor people from voicing their stupid and unwanted opinions. Anyone who disagreed with the ruling class that money is speech would be labeled a terrorist and assassinated or sent to Syria or someplace even worse for extraordinary rendition and enhanced interrogation. Of course, we know none of this could ever happen because money doesn’t grow on trees—it’s printed on printing presses.