I can still hear the doorbell ringing as I was running down the hall passing your room and seeing your door open. My heart starts pounding very fast as I realize it is the middle of the night and you’re not home. A mother’s instinct? Perhaps. Many thoughts race through my mind. Did you forget your key? How could I fall asleep before you were home? I never sleep until you and Kami get home safely. As I neared the door my hands were shaking, and I was so afraid to look through the window. When I pulled back the blind and saw the two police officer’s solemn faces I knew - I just knew what they were going to say. I remember screaming. I remember begging them to tell me it was not true and that it may be a mistake. How did they know it was you? Please check again it just can’t be my son. I knew but couldn’t accept what they were saying. One of the police officers was a classmate of yours so there was no mistake. I will never forget his words as he said, “I am sorry Mrs. Martin, but it is Chad. He seems to have fallen asleep and hit a tree. He was killed instantly.” I remember a pain like no other that is still here after 17 years as though it was yesterday. My heart was ripped from my chest and time no longer existed. I remember our neighbor Miss Joan coming over to be with me until dad, Kami, Nanny Beckie and the rest of the family could get here. Dad was on a train so someone called him. I remember many people being around me speaking softly. It was all so surreal.
Bits and pieces of what happened in the next few days are a blur. The trip to the funeral home doesn’t exist but the line of the caskets is all too vivid as I struggled with my mind to grasp what we had to do. I remember begging for them to let me see you, but they wouldn’t allow me to. Why? I knew why but I just wanted to hold you, make sure it was you as the reality of it all was just too much to bear. The wake, funeral and the burial are all a blur. I remember flashes like a scene in a very overwhelmingly sad movie. There were flowers everywhere, faces, whispered words and tears.
What did I feel at that time? Pain, helplessness, abandonment, emptiness, but through it all was a very deep ANGER! I was so angry at God. How dare He take our only son? How dare He let the murders, rapist and all the horrible people live and, yet He took you? WHY? It took a LONG time for me to come to terms with that anger toward God. You know what? He didn’t leave me. He walked right there on the side of me as I dealt with it all. Did you hear me when I screamed at God? He and I talk about you daily. There are days even now that I slip back into that angry mode and still ask Him WHY? I also send many messages through our Blessed Mother Mary. Is she giving you all those hugs I send? I am sure that keeps Her business as I send them several times a day.
It has been over 17 years, but I still find myself picking up your favorite foods at the market. Remember the days when you were watching TV and I would bring you that big plate of fried shrimp with a toothpick, so you wouldn’t burn your fingers, those pizza bites or better yet those little chicken hearts you loved that grossed me out? The look on your face was so worth the time it took to cook them for you. Oh, how I long to see that look again.
Please tell God thank you for allowing us to be your parents and for picking the best He had to share with us. Tell Him I am sorry for all the angry words I threw at Him. I know He forgives me, but He needs to hear that I am sorry too. The day I forgave God was the day I remembered that He gave us His only son.
To say I miss you would be an understatement. My one memory that I treasure the most was the words you said as you turned and faced me on your way out the door that last time we were together– “I love you mom”. I love you too Chad. We will be together again but until then ask the Blessed Mother to give you yet another hug from me.
Love forever,
Mom - HUGS