I remember that morning getting ready for school and you said, “Hurry now the bus will be here soon.” As the bus pulled up you gave me a big hug and said hurry before you miss the bus. As I sat in the class room day dreaming from time to time of so many things flashing by. With my mind so preoccupied I don’t remember getting much school work completed. When the last bell rung and we loaded the buses, I was anxious to see you again and couldn’t wait to tell you about my day.
On the way home from school, flashes of images began in my mind, not knowing what they were at the time; bits and pieces flashed through my mind and I kept searching for answers to what I had seen. I shook it off as best I could and continued looking out the window of the bus. Just as the bus came to a stop to let us off I waved at my two month old Collie named Gypsy that I loved dearly. She was so excited to see me but before I could greet her a car came speeding by trying to pass before the bus came to a complete stop. My heart was racing as I got off the bus and ran to see if she was okay. All I could think of was why did she hit my puppy. Helpless and not able to speak through the tears I wept at the loss of my puppy right before my eyes. Even though the lady said she was sorry for the accident, I didn’t want to hear it.
My grandmother pulled into our house shortly after this happened. She said to me, “You and your brother need to get in the car. With tears flowing, reluctantly we got in the car and she took us to her home. It was in that minute I realized even more something wasn’t right. Few hours later, my grandmother told me we were going to my Aunt’s house. I kept asking, where is my mom? Have you heard from her? She should be here by now. Then my grandmother told me my Dad wanted to talk to us as soon as we arrive at my Aunt’s house.
Confused to what is happening I kept on asking what is going on? The only response I would get is my father will explain everything. As my grandmother says, “There is quite a few people here. When we go in I want you and your brother to walk quickly to the room in the back of the house. Don’t stop, your dad will be waiting to talk to you. By this time my mind was racing and my heart was pounding so loudly I could hear it. My anxiety was at its highest and my nerves were rising higher. As I walked through the room full of people, they would say we’re so sorry for your loss. They would hug me and the whole time I just kept on walking not wanting to know why they would say this. I knew my puppy was gone and my heart was heavy but never seen this many people at the loss of my puppy. The flashes I was seeing on the way home from school began again, faster and faster.
As we walked to that room in the back, I was shaking as I turned the door knob, but why was I shaking so? Then I looked up and my dad had tears in his eyes. I’ve never seen my dad with any sign of tears but that day I seen them in his eyes. He sat us down and the realization began to dawn. When he said our mother was killed in a car crash, I lost it. Hurt, anger and sadness all rolled into one and all I could think of was, “Why did you leave me? I need you Mom!” Tears began to flow so fast and furious, not relenting to any words spoken; shattered with a piece of my heart my Dad held us until the tears subsided enough to go back into the crowd. As I walked among the crowd, I kept wanting to just disappear, so I became numb and not wanting to be aware as I said to myself, “When will this nightmare end?”
All I wanted was to hide away from the crowd into the darkness and to feel this is just not real. But the flashbacks I was seeing was the scene of the wreck and the realization was so crystal clear that I was in shock of what I had seen. Numb and aware, I shuttered to think of what the next day held. In my mind, I keep saying no it can’t be. I just saw you this morning. I hugged you and said I loved you.
The next day, after the nightmare I had the day before, my Dad brought the light blue casket into my grandmother’s house. As I lay awake at night, with my mom in the room next door, I said to myself, ”Mom I need you!” The whole time I kept thinking she would be there, yet there was no response. I cried myself to sleep every night she was there until she was laid to rest.
Three days later, my Mom was laid to rest and we returned home; well to my grandmother’s home. Every night I would go to the living room where she once laid and in the silence I’d shed my tears. By the end of that week, it became very windy outside, like a storm was rolling in. I would sneak into the living room after everyone had gone to bed and as I sat on the couch, the wind blew harder. The feeling I had that came over me was so surreal that I could not explain what was happening.
First, as the winds howled, I could hear the violins playing through the wind. As I sat, my tears came to a halt as if they were dried up in comfort. A complete calmness and peace showered me and I had no more tears. It was like my mom was trying to tell me everything will be fine, just wait you will see. Though my heart was heavy and nothing will ever be easy, I still managed to go to school. From that day forward my tears would never come. Though I wrote these words years later, it describes a lot of that time.
I dare not sleep. My eyes won’t weep. I listen, nothing’s there but silence. Weary, laden I’m needing guidance. In what I felt is very clear, pain, abandonment, confusion, emptiness, anger held deep within for years to come. Helpless to change what was then but through it all, God, you were there beside me the whole time even when I did not see. You gave me the peace when I needed it the most, the love to show me the way. You never left my side even when I faltered. When I wanted to give up you showed me another way. I thank you for staying by my side through and through. No matter where I went or what I would do, you were there.
Memories of good and old in, life they shape and mold. Barely through the winter’s chill, spring time buds renew and fill. Heart strings is the key, that’s hiding deep within me. At the end of Winter’s bite and spring’s prelude, You sprung to life as your life renewed.
Dear Mom,
My fondest memories were the smile you cast upon to brighten the day we look upon after the rising sun. The days you held and comforted me when I was feeling sick or sad. Loved the days we sung in harmony on the long trips we took. You gave me strength to see things through no matter how difficult the path. Lastly, what I treasure then, now and forevermore is the last words you had spoken. I said, “I love you Mom.” With a great big hug you said, “I said to you.” The smile you gave brightened my day and the light in my heart forever reins and will never fade away. Until the day I see you again, “I Love you, Mom.”
With Love Always,
Your Daughter