It's not lost on me that I've been one of the biggest causes of stress in your life. It pains me to consider that you might die earlier than you would have, because of all that I have put you through in my life.
I don't want to make any excuses. I could have done so much better than I did. You certainly deserved that from me, considering all that you were able to give me.
It is not fair that after thirty years, you still have to worry about whether I will find my feet, when all the rest of your children did long ago. Even now, I am a cause of stress when I ought to be a cause of a comfort.
I'm sorry that I have brought you little to be proud of by now. Considering the head start I inherited from you, there's no good reason for you still to be waiting to see me achieve something.
I don't know that I ever will achieve anything from this world. But what I do know is that while I may not have given you much of a reason to be proud, and whilst I've probably given you plenty reason to think the exact opposite, I've been proud of you for a very long time.
It's evident to me in recent years that my bravery, compassion, and loyalty could have come from nowhere but you. If not for all that I witnessed from you in my life, I doubt I would speak out against the abuse of authority so fearlessly, and further more, I wonder if I would even care enough about the people to feel obligated to do so.
I don't say often at all, but I do love you very much, mother. More than I would ever be able to write into words. With all that I have seen in my life, and all that I know, the scariest thing I can think of, is to imagine the man I might have become had I not had you as a mother.
I'm sorry I had to fuck up so much, but I'd never have become who I am today if I had not, and while you may see little more than an intelligent man who has wasted that intelligence, this is only because I never had motivation. I do have it now, and so I make the promise to you that I will give you every reason to be proud of me. But, my ambitions are not that of the average person, for you taught me better- whether you intended to or not. So my goals may one day soon bring yet more stress into your life, if not pain.
If such a time comes to pass, I really hope you will recognize it was certainly not a lack of love for you on my part, but for a lack of the hate for everyone else that I was told to have, and again- that was because of you.
I love you, mum. Happy mother's day. I will come and see you very soon.