I am alone in this dark tiny world but I do not feel sad at all. In fact, a comforting voice always assures me that I am guarded, love and expected. Her gentle touch is such a warm treat and her voice is my lullaby. I wished I could open my eyes but that ability, I am still deprived. I know one day, I will be able to see her face and meet her and the man that often tickles me. I even giggle when both of them listen to my every movement and let them know that I am aware of their presence by moving my tiny little feet which often taken as a kick. I wish I could see their shocked faces when I show my responses.
I wanted to stretch my whole body in full but the little world I have now squeezes me into a tiny little ball. I feel so secure here; dark yet warm. I even love feeling the warm sunshine that greets me every morning when she is scheduled to take walks and do some exercises. She was told these routines will help her ease the pain which I will cause her when the time comes.
I have been staying in this tiny world for months now but I still do not understand why I need to cause her pain upon my arrival. I have not met her yet but the way she takes care of me is enough for me to prove that she does not deserve to be inflicted with any kind of pain. She is forced to give up her old dresses because she gained extra weight when she decided to have me. She was even advised to minimize her favorite chocolates, ice cream and cake because these food are not good for me. Also, I could not imagine how uncomfortable she does things such as sleeping and walking when she has to consider my well-being and security. I may be temporarily trapped in my little world but between the two of us, she is more constrained outside and sadly because of me.
I do not want to hurt her but when “the time” arrived, I realized I do not have any hold of the situation. It seems like the world I have owned for months are now contracting and is forcing me to come out and hurt her. I have heard her painful cries and her unimaginable screams. I have witnessed how my tiny figure tore some of her parts. However, do you know what made me wonder? Amidst all the physical pains I have given her, her first words after I came out are still words full of excitement, concern and love.
The first time I have felt the warmth of her hands, I knew I am in good hands. I even heard her weep but it was not a weep of pain, it was a weep of pure joy which is full of promises and bliss. I made her cry. I inflicted her pain but she is still happy to see me. This lady in front of me is such a weird masochist.
She kissed me gently as she try to stop herself from crying; her sweat and tears are now becoming one but still, she does not care. She just kissed me lovingly as if I am her prized possession which has taken all her struggles away. I am so grateful and overwhelmed by the affection that I am getting but still, I do not understand why she has to go through all those pain for me. I mean, do I deserve all her sacrifices? Really, I do not understand her.
I still could not see her clearly. Everything is still blurry but I have felt it within me that this woman is beautiful. She puts me to sleep first before she takes a rest. I even feel so sorry every time I wake up in the middle of the night just for her to change my diapers or have her breastfeed me. You see, her world revolves around me and I do not want her to put her entire life in pause just because of me. She couldn’t even have her “me time” or even take day off. She could not even comb her hair!
I started seeing colors, shapes and faces. I was right, she is the most beautiful woman on Earth and seeing her calms me that I stop crying or throwing tantrums. When I took my first steps, her eyes were full of excitement and pride. She tirelessly encourage me to continue taking steps while preparing herself to catch me whenever I stumble and fall. I still could not forget how she turned so emotional the moment I called her “mom”. She almost cried at that time.
When I turned six (6) months, she was so excited for me to have my first taste of solid food. When my first birthday came, she was so thrilled she ordered three layers of Hello Kitty cake. I learned my first ABC because of her too! So, maybe you can imagine how contradicting she might be feeling the first time I attended school. She was both excited and afraid.
I have a number of playmates at school but she is still my favorite. We play hide and seek and she would build houses for me to play doll house. She even bought a chicken costume just to entertain me. I bit her nipple, throw things at her and I am even the reason she has sleepless nights yet she still loves me.
I lied to her when I broke her center vase at home.
I hurt her when I kept secrets from her about my first crush and first boyfriend.
I know she secretly cried when I disrespected her by answering her back or by disobeying her.
Yet, she forgives and still loves me.
Now, I am staring at her aged hands and greyed hair and she is still showing me the same encouraging eyes. She still shows me her gentleness and her heart is still ready to forgive. She still waits for me even when I come home late. She still prepares my favorite dish and rushes to my side whenever I am sick. She is now old and weak but she is still the same tireless woman who is very generous with her attention, love and time. I am now old enough to take care of myself but she is my mother and she will never stop being one.
I have always wondered why she chose the difficult road by having me. All I know is she lights up whenever I mention her name or by taking refuge to her when I need her. She completes me and regardless of my age, she will still be my mother and I will be forever grateful for all the love and care she generously gave me.
To all the mothers in the world including those who took the responsibility of a mother to the kids they do not own, I salute you. No one can ever doubt how good you are at taking care of your family. You have sacrificed so much for others without even asking for any return. Thank you for being our strength and our source of happiness even during the times when you are questioning your own happiness. Thank you for treating us whenever we were sick even during the times when you yourself feel unwell. Thank you for putting us first. Thank you for being so good being mothers.
Job well done!
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