When I fell pregnant for the very first time it was a total surprise; I didn't even realise that my period was late, and the only reason I even took a pregnancy test was because I was complaining about my breasts being sore to a colleague one day and she asked if I might be pregnant. Looking back after two further pregnancies, all the signs were there, sore breasts, a nose like a bloodhound, tiredness, and being super emotional.
When the test result was positive I remember laughing out loud in my bathroom, an unexpected reaction. After that, I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from happiness and excitement to fear and confusion, which is normal for any expectant mother, but even more so for me because I wasn't sure if I was keeping my baby.
(The pregnancy test from my second pregnancy... "Pregnant!")
I was in my late twenties and broke; an out of work actress with a part time (low paying) day job, and single. It didn't help that my parents reacted negatively to the news, my dad saying that my sister should've been pregnant instead of me because she was in a better position, married and in a house. Furthermore, when I confided in a couple of friends from the acting industry, the overall response I got was that my career would be over if I chose to proceed with my pregnancy. It was all doom and gloom on all fronts except for the father of the unborn child and his mother, who was ecstatic with the news. I remember being angry at my parents for being so unsupportive, and being furious at the baby father for telling his mum, but now I can see how unfair I was being because he was also confused and needed support in a situation that involved him but had no control over the outcome, regardless if he wanted it or not.
Sadly, I didn't keep my baby.
This part of my story is very painful for me and I still carry the burden of guilt with me to this day. I have never been able to forgive myself for what I did, and I vowed to myself that I would never do it again. I created a little remembrance corner for our unborn child, who I believe in my heart was a girl, to remind myself to speak to her and to make sure that I never forget (as if I ever could). I’m so sorry my little angel, I was selfish and did what I thought was the right thing to do at the time.
Almost a decade later and a mother to two amazing boys, I still feel like a terrible human being for doing what I did. And yes, I worked on a few jobs since then that I probably wouldn't have been able to do had I followed through with the first pregnancy, but now that I'm a mother, I feel that it wasn't a good trade off. However, I am a believer that everything happens for a reason and who knows what the reason was in this case? I chose my career over my baby back then, and it would be a lie to say that I didn't regret that decision in retrospect, but since the day that I met my firstborn, I have definitely chosen my children over my career, which I have absolutely no regrets about at all.
My second pregnancy was sort of planned, in that I decided to come off the pill and let things happen naturally. I didn't think that we'd get pregnant as fast as we did, believing that it would take my body a while to adjust after taking artificial hormones for so long, so it was a pleasant surprise. This was the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and everything that I thought I knew about myself and about my profession was about to be challenged in the most dramatic way yet.
Going to auditions became an issue in early pregnancy, as whilst I didn't look pregnant, I had to consider the shooting dates for the job in case it fell during heavy pregnancy or after my due date. I also had to be careful of commercial castings, which made you declare any medical conditions that would affect insurance. I slowly accepted that I wouldn't be working as an actress for a while, which I struggled with a little, especially when I'd learn of any exciting projects being casted.
Then out of the blue my agent asked me to do a self-tape for a movie being shot near London, where they needed a pregnant actress. Perfect. I got a friend to record me on my phone and sent it off. The role was as good as mine due to the probability that I was the only pregnant actress in London who fit the description! I was offered the job despite me refusing to go topless for the camera, not that I'm against any form of nudity as an actress, but not for such a small role (it was more like Extra work) and during such a sacred time in my life, I wanted to save that bullet for something bigger. Although it was a very small role in a scene that didn't even make it into the final cut, I got to work with the fantastic Christoph Waltz. Who knew that pregnancy would land me such an awesome opportunity?
(Photo taken on the set of the Christoph Waltz film)
I am in a unique position to have experienced maternity as both a self employed actress as well as an employee, and I can say that motherhood has made a massive impact in both careers. Whilst being self employed offers more freedom and flexibility than being employed, it doesn't provide the same security and reassurance of statutory maternity leave/pay that comes with employment. However, one of the biggest notable differences that I felt returning to both types of employment was that "work" no longer felt like work, but more like having a break from the real work at home. Motherhood is more demanding than a full time job because it literally is full time with no breaks, no days off, no holidays, and no pay. And even when you get to sleep, you never really switch off because your mummy radar is always tuned in, tapped in, turned on - like living in a constant fight or flight mode.
One of the most surprising things I discovered after having my first baby was how I didn't want to return to work (at all), particularly as an actress. I found that being a mother made me suddenly question everything that I thought I knew about myself. Everything that had defined me was a lie. Even more surprising, was the fact that I didn't care! My baby boy was the centre of my universe, and despite how difficult I was finding being a new mother, there was nowhere else that I wanted to be than at home with my son. My brain had been completely rewired, and had I not needed the money so badly, I wouldn't have returned to work on a TV series that I'd been invited back to do, where previously I wouldn't have even dreamed of saying no.
During the filming of this series I realised exactly how much motherhood had changed me; I felt that I had lost my mojo as an actress and it became apparent that I was giving every ounce of myself to my baby boy, all my energy, my time, and brain space! Learning my lines was such a challenge, often rushed and without as much analysis as I was previously used to doing. I also didn't have the energy or inspiration to write; it was as if all my creativity had disappeared and I could no longer identify with being an actress or a writer. I didn't even recognise my own face in the mirror as it seemed as if that had changed too.
("Hope" ~ Picture taken on film location)
Regarding childcare, I was so lucky to have both my mother and my hubby scheduling time off work to take it in turns to look after our boy during filming. There certainly wasn't any other option for us, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for parents who don't have family around for help and support the way I do.
However, auditions became problematic, sometimes only being given a days notice in advance, and for a breastfeeding mother like I was, the only option that I had was to bring my baby with me. Luckily for me, my dad had recently retired, so was available to accompany me and baby to the audition and look after him away from the casting studio. Otherwise, I would've had to bring baby in with me and leave him in the waiting room as I'd witnessed other acting mothers do in the past. But even though I had my dad's help, it was still hard for me to concentrate in the audition room as I kept worrying about my dad and son wandering around the busy streets of central London. I could only pray that the casting session was running on time and that it wouldn't rain. I was ready to quit the industry, or at least take a few years off to focus on being a mother (with a part time job), and I did.
As a parent, it's difficult returning to work whether you're a mother or a father, but a man's career is not affected as much as a woman's (particularly in the Acting industry) when you factor in the physical and emotional changes one experiences during and after pregnancy, not to mention the other demands, such as breastfeeding, unless you are sharing the responsibility of bottle feeds. I've witnessed my male colleagues continue acting and even one of them attend a film premiere around his wife's due date. I'm not saying that it's easy as a father in the Performing Arts, but it's definitely a bigger challenge for us mothers in the same industry. I remember how the costume department on the TV series had to improvise with panty liners in my top to help with my leaking breasts when our shoot went into overtime. I also have memories of having to pump and dump (sometimes in the toilet) on several occasions when there hasn't been adequate storage for my breastmilk, but when I did manage to bring some home successfully, the satisfaction was short lived due to my baby rejecting it because it was being served in a bottle instead of my breast. There was also the persistent worrying about baby feeding and sleeping ok, and even worrying if I caught myself not worrying, like I needed to be in a constant state of guilt. Yes, definitely a different experience from my male colleagues.
(Portaloo on location)
The performing arts industry is far from being family friendly. However, I can see change in the horizon thanks to groups like PiPA (Parents and Carers in the Performing Arts) who are campaigning to raise awareness of the challenges facing parents and carers in our industry, and are actively trying to find solutions. I can also see other parents taking matters into their own hands by creating groups and stage productions specifically for parents, such as the theatre company, "Prams In The Hall". The ground is definitely shifting to allow parents to continue their careers in the performing arts, and even though it still feels like early days, I am feeling hopeful for other parents who are in a similar situation to me.
On a personal level, having gone through the pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other, in terms of motherhood and career, I feel as if a sense of balance is being restored. Since the arrival of our second son, my creativity has started flowing again, something inside me has ignited a slow burning desire to resurrect my acting career and to start writing again. This has been the latest surprise for me on my motherhood journey so far. There's no denying the fact that parenthood has a massive comet-like impact on your career, and there's no predicting how you will feel about your career after your baby arrives. For me, each pregnancy brought up a different set of emotions and fears to the surface each time, and with each one I feel that I have grown and evolved to where I am today, wiser from experience but still with so much more to learn. Perhaps it is possible to be an actress/writer and a stay at home mother. Not easy, I'm sure, but possible. Perhaps there may come a day when women will no longer feel that they need to choose between having a career and having a family. Perhaps you are already one of those women who didn't have to choose. What if it was possible to have your cake and eat it too? Now there's a thought worth pondering.
Thanks for stopping by.
~ Dedicated to our little angel who would've been 8 years old this year. Mummy loves you xxx ~
Read more of my writing on Bump and Beeyond.