There comes a time in your life when you finally get it.......
Pass few weeks I have been struggling in a mess, i scream and felt frustrated, not been able to do the basic simple things for my self, each day was a torment that never seems to end, in the midst of all my fears and insanity suddenly i stop dead in my tracks and somewhere the voice inside my head cried out- ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, my sobs begin to subside, i shudder twice, blinked tears and through a mantle of wet lashes i begin to look at the world from a new prospective. This is was my awakening!!!
I realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. I come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with me. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
So i begin making my way through the reality of today rather than holding out for the promise of tomorrow. i realized that much of who i am, and the way i navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning I have received over the course of a lifetime. And i begin to shift through all the nonsense i were taught about:
how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop, where you should school or who you should marry and why you should stay.
The importance of bearing children or what you owe your family.
As i began reassessing and redefining who i am and what i really believe in.
I begin to discard the doctrines i have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.
I accept the fact that I'm not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what i am… and that's OK…
They are entitled to their own views and opinions.I've also come to terms with the fact that i will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10…. Or a perfect human being for that matter…so i stop trying to compete with the images inside my head, i made peace with the woman in the mirror and learn to give "ME" the same unconditional love and support i give so freely to others. Then my sense of confidence is born of self-approval.
I realized how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. Suddenly i realize that its wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve my needs, ease my insecurities, or meet my standards and expectations. i learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So i stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
People don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, its not always about you. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. I stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given.Been alone does not mean lonely as i began to discover the joy of spending time with myself. "Self Love"
I try to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And stop wasting time and energy rehashing my situation with family and friends. Ive realized that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep me trapped in the past. So i have simply stopped lamenting over what could or should have been and make a decision to leave the past behind.
I have taken a personal inventory of all my strengths and weaknesses and the areas i need to improve in order to move ahead, set my goals and map out a plan of action to see things throug, life isn't always fair, I don't always get what I think i deserve and I have stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. I've learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God… but merely a random act of fate.
I have stooped looking for guarantees, the only thing i can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens,i will learn to deal with it. The only thing i must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time "FEAR" itself. I will gladly step right into and through my fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on my terms.
Finally, with courage in my heart and with God by my side, i take a stand, In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed not for the answers to my prayers or for material things but for my God to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do, to choose life, and not deny my humanity but embrace it.
I remain@jblsignature
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