As I struggle to fall asleep I can't help but wonder if I am heading in the right direction.
I wonder what the right direction even is.
Are mistakes predominantly what have gotten me to this point. Is it success? Do any of us really even know what we want out of life?
These are the questions that keep me awake at night.
There is one question which I cannot get out of my mind. If I could go back in time and change my direction, would I change it? What would I do differently? I wrote a message to my old self. It reads as follows:
"Hello - my dear friend,
I know that it seems as if you are not in a happy space right now, but the truth is these feelings will never really go away. I know that you do not want to hear this news. Do not think of it as a catastrophe. Instead realize that doubt, fear and frustration are not what define you. Do not let the fear of missing perfection stop you from enjoying life.
When the waves come and knock you over, keep on paddling until your head is above water. This is the only way.
You will be able to breathe again. You will get better at swimming and you will learn to predict the water. I know that I would want some advice if I got a chance to see my future, so I will give you some.
Pick something and work really hard at it. You will never experience the feeling of accomplishment if you jump between tasks as soon as they don't feel right for you. Enjoy your time with friends. Don't pass it up for a chance to be alone. You will not work on a Friday night. Don't lie to yourself. It is okay to have fun.
Stay away from the easy highs. They will always bring you to the same low when you have to accept that they are not sustainable. Get off your chair more. Keep on exercising, even if it is just a little. Learn to express yourself through music. Don't focus on having an audience. You are going to have to speak even when there is no audience because one day you will find your audience, and then you will sure as hell want to know how to inspire them.
Stick around positive people. Work to build them up. Don't let your setbacks keep you from trying again. Keep looking after yourself when there is nobody around. You are doing this for you, the only person that was at your start and will be at your finish.
I love you. Please love yourself."