I spent most of my life worrying about my look, how people perceive me, if I'm good enough for my partner, for my boss, for myself and for the world.
I spent most of my life looking in the mirror, dreaming about thinner thighs, straighter teeth, and stronger hair.
I spent most of my life comparing myself to people who I thought were more intelligent, more beautiful, more successful and had a better life.
I forgot to spend this energy on working on what was under all my worries; my insecurities. I did not love myself unconditionally. It was all in MY head. I wasn't good enough for myself! Because of this I was in a crappy relationship where my boyfriend was cheating on me, I was in jobs I didn't like and I had friends who complained all the time. Why? Because my immediate environment reflected who I was. I was a disaster!
Then one day...
...I was looking in the mirror yet again seeing cried out eyes as for the past many years. I thought to myself: for almost 5 years you haven't slept. You had sleeping paralysis every night for 2 years, then you had vivid nightmares and learned to wake yourself up by moaning. Then you had insomnia for about a year and still battled with sleeping paralysis from time to time. And now you have been depressed for the past 6 months...who are you? What did you do to Stephanie? Why can't you get your shit together? How did you get this low?
...when I had enough of not loving what I see in the mirror I asked myself; who is going to help me get out of my misery? And I could not name a single person around me. Once I exhausted my options I realized, I can help myself. I'm the only person who can make the change because my head is the problem.
A friend of my suggested I start reading about the attachment theory. This is how my journey began. I traveled back in time to understand what was in my past that caused me to be so lost in life today. It was a whole new perspective that offered some answers to why am I so insecure. But by reading about the attachment types I also realized that there is a secure part of me who can help the rest of me improve.
The journey
I had absolutely no idea where to begin since there is no roadmap to personal development that was tailor to my particular need. So I dug and dug and dug deeper on the internet to find content about the topic. Later I did therapy, I had homework, I completed online courses, I read books, I watched videos, I began a spiritual journey and basically everything there is out there for self-seekers. You name it, I tried it!
They all helped a bit, but nothing made a break-through. Until I decided to take my life into my hands and radically change everything around me that wasn't working. The picture was so busy, so I wiped the canvas clean and started over. I quit my life! I broke up with my boyfriend after 5 years, I quit my good job, I packed my backpack and went hitchhiking around the world for a year.
It was like a personal development drug. Being soooo outside of my comfort zone every single day, I learned super fast. So fast, I couldn't even keep up with how much I improved in a heartbeat. I faced all my fears and defeated them, I challenged myself every day to get to know me more, I started meeting positive and happy people who offered their perspective and for months I was just investing time and money in me; the only person who can make me truly happy.
Meanwhile, I documented my amazing journey on my blog. People started reaching out for help as they saw how I was slowly finding answers, reaching my goals and building a complete and secure personality. So I helped. I helped so many and I watched them grow with me. I saw them dreaming big and finding their true calling. I saw so many smiles until one day a reader of mine said: you should teach this, we need it badly!
After a year-long backpacking, I arrived at my destination; I found love. Love that was not dependent on externals. I was out of money, I was wearing broken sandals because I couldn't afford to buy a new one, I didn't have a job or anything that remotely resembles a plan, I had no idea what was coming next, but guess what? I was dancing on the streets of Mexico, feeling butterflies in my stomach. I was happy. So damn happy I didn't know this existed.
The only time I felt anything close to it before was when I was falling in love with someone. Now, I was as single as someone can possibly be and yet, I was in love. The love of me and the love of life was the destination. But here is a twist, I left Mexico and my happiness stayed there...
I went back to my country where I left a decade worth of ghosts from my past and I had to face them. I visited before many times, but I always left as soon as I could, because the energy of my country, my people, and my family drained my energy. Talking about real vampire stuff... I arrived after 14 months away from home. It was winter time, dark, cold, sad people and no Mexico.
But something was different this time...
I was different. I was ready to look into the eyes of my ghosts and we went to war. As Spring rolled around, I already have experienced the butterflies in my stomach again. The strength and confidence I gained over self-searching had paid off. I won! I got out of my way, I dared to ask the questions I have been avoiding and I started thinking solution. I fixed my relationship with my family, I started to meet positive and inspiring people and I found inner peace in a place I thought wasn't possible for me.
I learned that if I can be happy regardless of my circumstance, that love can't be taken away by external influence. Break my heart I will still love me. Take away my job I will still love me. Turn your back at me I will still love me. And so I did and do to this day.
Happiness is not a destination, it is the journey. - Stephanie, My Seven Worlds
I always thought that once internal and unconditional self-love and happiness are found, it will be with me forever. I was wrong. I had to find it again and again after I stopped investing in me. It is like a romantic relationship; we must dedicate time, energy and effort to it if we want to keep it alive to thrive. I lost it many times since I found it because I thought it was a destination. But now I know, it is the journey, I had to fall in love with the process and the work itself in order to keep the love and happiness.
Not one day goes by without me appreciating myself. I absolutely adore the mirror now. Don't get me wrong, I'm by no means perfect, but perfection is a myth. I learned to love me unconditionally. Even when I have some extra pounds on me, even when I'm lost, even when I'm single and even when I'm low. I love me! I respect me! And I believe in me!
I'm no longer afraid to say it out loud because if I'm going to speak about myself, I surely want to be kind to myself. I wouldn't speak badly about others, why would I speak badly about me then? If I want to really help people, I need to be an example, and I truly believe that the best help is by showing what's possible.
I can't believe I used to be that person! That shadow who always pointed fingers at others, who blamed the world, who found excuses and who hadn't had a day without self-pity. Oh, Gosh who was that girl?!
No more staying in my own way! No more comparing myself to others and feeling bad! No more shit talking myself in my head! No more self-pity! No more waiting for the future for answers! Self-love happens right now!