A wise person once told me, ”Comparison is the thief of joy.”
I know it’s cliche, but it’s true.
Human beings usually compare physical appearance, performance, financial and material possessions, and position in life. Why do we compare? There may be a myriad of factors. Perhaps it's because we're afraid of being not normal, being outcasts of society. Maybe it's for motivation. Or maybe, it's for security to make ourselves feel better and more valued. Whatever the factor (and in my experience), comparison (when unchecked) usually leads to unhappiness because it's a perpetual cycle. Comparison begets more comparison.
How it affected me
For a long time, I was a victim of comparison. I let it control my life and determine my self-worth.
Here is what basically what happened:
During elementary school, comparison seeds were planted in my mind. During middle school and high school, those seeds grew into pesky weeds. During college, those weeds became full-fledged plants of destruction (in other words, I was unknowingly a slave to comparison).
Growing up, I was often compared to my siblings and classmates. X was good at basketball. Why do you suck compared to him? Y was a great student. How come you struggle so much?” Stop picking your nose. Z didn’t really pick his nose!” These barrage of comparisons snuck into my subconscious and secretly developed an army there; over time, I picked up the habit to compare and didn’t need others to do it for me anymore. I remember vividly on a hot, sunny day in high school, I was trying out for the Tennis Varsity team, fully enthusiastic. However, when I saw other candidates, I grew nervous. In retrospect, it's easy to say that I compared myself to those candidates and unknowingly convinced myself that they were better than me. However, in the moment, I felt awful and incompetent, but didn't know why. My mind was like a hamster on a wheel, running comparisons day in and day out. It was toxic.
Something had to be done. I wasn’t living a happy life, using video games, booze, and parties to distract me from the real problems. About a year ago, I decided to plunge into the personal development world and through that, was finally aware of my tendency to compare. At first, I denied that it was a problem.
Comparison, a big problem in my life…? Hell nah...
In reality, it's more like a hell yes. Obviously.
Eventually, I came to terms with it. All it took was time and the desire to change. You have to really want to change.
Comparison Thought: “You’re not good looking; that guy’s much better looking than you. She would never go out with you”
*Me under the comparison influence: "I know...I wish I can look like that guy. :("
Me coming to terms: “Sure thing, buddy. :)”
For so long, I allowed comparison to determine my self-worth, but it turns out to be a blessing in disguise. If not for comparison, I wouldn’t have realized how much I needed to work on myself, to begin on my personal development journey... Hey, I try to be a half-glass full kind of guy.
I still make comparisons sometimes, but I don’t let them get to me anymore. I let the thoughts pass like clouds in the sky - reminding me of a stoic monk meditating in a monastery. If any comparisons are to be made, I try to only compare myself to my past self. The goal is to be a better me today than yesterday.
Thanks for reading this far. I don't intend to leave you with just my story. I also hope you can get something out of this.
Here is what is what worked for me.
In terms of practice,
I...
- Meditate at least 5 minutes every day. It allows me to be aware of my negative thoughts. I choose not to listen to them. Also it feel more calm throughout the day.
- Focus on developing any skill. I found that when trying to improve something, the mind is focus on that, leaving no time or thoughts for comparison. Also, confidence grows.
- Reframe my thoughts. Whenever I compare, I try to catch myself and replace that thought with something more positive. This is really effective!
Oh, and here are some of the profound lessons I've learned from comparison:
A)Human beings are too complex to compare. You’re not just comparing car to car or shoes to shoes. When comparing human beings, you’re like comparing apples and oranges. You have different histories, environments, cultures, beliefs, and dispositions. Knowing all that, it’s unfair to compare to each other, don't you think? People are very different.
B) It’s easy to compare yourself to any person (fb, instagram, other social media). Especially seeing celebrities on talk shows. You only see like 1% of their life and believe that their life is just that: all great. However, you're only seeing their highlight reels. Not the behind-the-scenes.
C) Life is about creating. Just focus on what you want to create in life. You’re taking your eyes off what everyone else is doing. You’re just doing your own thing. Choose to become a creator.
D)** Accept your flaws.** We have handicaps, and that’s ok. No one is perfect. Go through a process and just accept it. Life is short, our time is limited. We’re not all strong across the board
E) Being normal is overrated. It is said that the average person is mediocre. The most satisfying thing is to be yourself. Your quirks and eccentricities makes you interesting. It makes you authentic and unique. Recognize who you are deep down inside and own it! Relax and love everything about you, strengths and weaknesses.
F) Get busy loving yourself. This sounds cheesy, but it's important. Once you focus inward on yourself, you treat yourself as a priority. (I'm still working on this one!)
G) Love seeing other people succeed. Have a vision for your future. Another’s success is an inspiration. They can be role model for you. Rather than having envy, have love instead.
Please comment below if you have any thoughts on this topic!