I'm a messed up human being.
I've known that for quite some time, but didn't know what to do about it for a while
Somewhere along in my early childhood, I began to believe that other's could not be trusted with my pain. This belief may very well have even been necessary for a period of time.
But that usefulness fades overtime as my body continue to grow in discord with my soul, until firming become a burden that I could not seem to shake. This reality has guided my way towards some pretty dark tar pits. Somehow, I've been met with love in those places several times. This had started me on a path of healing.
I am currently a part of a group of 10 men who all find themselves in places of wounding or darkness and who want to throw down for the hope of something better. We just started meeting a few weeks ago and will meet twice a month for the year.
After the first introductory meeting, we were told to find a symbol for what we hope to get out of this process, or more generally, why we felt we were even there.
This group is centered around an explicitly spiritual curriculum, so part of this involves deferring to the process. In other words, don’t force it. Wander around a little bit and let the symbol find you.
It took me almost the full two weeks, but my symbol found me.
It is a BIC lighter.
Nothing fancy, just the basic, solid color, BIC lighter.
You know the ones.
This is not my first rodeo
I’ve done a fair amount of wound-work these past few years, and I am no longer in a place of crisis.
I have identified several of my core lies and began to replace them with truths.
But, I still feel significantly disconnected from a very early and fundamental part of myself.
I realized this week, in my search for a symbol, that I am still unable to really connect with my passion. And it is not even just that, but for as long as I can remember, I have experienced embarrassment about revealing my desires and excitements to others. This motivated me to stay hidden. Eventually, even I became unable to access the things I tried to keep from locked away.
It’s not like my wants or hobbies were even radically outside of mainstream 90’s boys things. The source of this compulsive and obsessive pretense, denial, and hiding is not very clear to me. I want to change that.
So for me, the lighter symbolizes the ability to burn off all of the bull-shit covers, masks, and walls that I put around the parts of myself that I was (and sometimes still am) embarrassed to let other people see.
The picture carries with it this timeless association of fire and passion. I envision it working to free up the frozen places of my inner landscape. Parts that have experienced a permafrost for over two decades. It brings warmth, speed, power, and light.
But the lighter has another, more personal reference for me.
I heard this quote from Shauna Niequist last week:
The very thing that makes you great, that makes you uniquely you, is the same thing, that if left unchecked, will ruin you.
This struck a deep nerve for me. You see, while this fire symbolizes me coming alive again and grabbing hold of my passion, the lighter also tells of some of my darkest times.
I have a long history with self-mutilation and other self-harm behaviors
I have intentionally burnt and branded myself with this very lighter countless times.
I do not say this with any machismo. This is acting out for me and it is compulsive.
Parts of who I am got trapped because I felt a need to protect myself from outside threat. Somewhere in that process, I became my own threat.
I am excited and truly pumped about diving into and embracing my truest passions for life and service. And in the same breath, I am nervous and anxious about my impulsivity taking control of my life again.
Thanks for joining me this far on my journey for wholeness. For all interest, look for future posts.
Cheers,
Sam
Image Sources: Lost, Cave, BIC, Moon
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