If you are like me you don’t like asking for help. Even worse are those moments when other people offer help without being asked. Frustrating when people do that!
Refusing to ask for help
The other day I observed my colleagues at work and I saw one of the developers struggling with his coding and he'd been busy trying to solve a bug for at least an hour if it wasn’t two.
He was clearly frustrated. I couldn’t take it anymore so I went over to him and feigned curiosity about what he was up to. He started to explain the problem and pretty soon he'd managed to solve the issue because he had me as a soundboard.
I remember thinking: ‘Why didn’t he just ask for help 45 minutes ago? It isn't that hard!’
Then I laughed because I know I would've done exactly the same thing.
It's a paradox: You don’t ask for help but are dumbfounded when others don’t either.. Talk about double standards or having a log in your own eye.
Asking for help feels like losing
According to Edgar H. Schein, MIT Professor and Author of the book Helping, we are scared because when we ask for help, we lose face. We accept defeat and let our potential helpers score a goal. At that point we don’t regard our helper as our teammate but as the striker of an opposing team. To make matters worse the score isn’t 1 - 0... It’s 1 - (-1). Or at least that is how it feels.
You don’t ask for help because
- You don’t want to look stupid
- You don’t trust people enough
- You don’t like to surrender control
I personally hated giving up that control for a long time but I have learnt to think differently. I don’t believe asking for help makes me stupid or that I lose control. For me it’s quite the opposite. I acknowledge I don’t know something and I take control by grasping the opportunity to learn from someone.
Why you should know when to ask for help
Asking for help isn’t easy but if I can change, so can you. Once I started to ask for help I noticed these changes:
- I got over the arrogance that I knew or needed to know everything
- I earned more respect, not less
- I was viewed as more authentic
- I gained other people’s trust
- I was asked to help others which led me to feel amazing
- I connected more deeply
- Tons of pressure was instantly lifted from my shoulders
How to start asking for help and making it feel like a win
Learn to step over the mental barrier of asking for help may seem daunting but here’s how you can ease your way into it:
Identify the right people
Ask help from the people you trust. People you find knowledgeable and who won’t put you down or make you feel like an idiot. This shouldn’t be too hard because people like to give help. It makes them feel great.
Help others first
By helping others first you might feel like you scored the goal and feel exhilarated. In all your exhilaration do you feel like you won and the other person lost? I bet you won’t. I bet you will feel like you both won and this is key!
Don’t apologise when asking for help
We often start asking for help with 'Sorry to bother you with this but …' It seems innocent right, polite even.. No, by apologising you aren’t passing the ball to your team mate. Instead you are already putting yourself down.
You aren’t apologising for bothering them, you are apologising because you think you failed finding the answer to your problem yourself.
Instead next time say this: 'Hey X, I am stuck on a problem and could use your help solving it. When are you free to have a look at it with me?'
The second example is just as polite but do you feel the difference? You asked for help and you challenged your team mate to solve it WITH you. You didn’t forfeit nor fail. You proactively engaged your helper to find a solution together.