(Verse 1)
When it comes to movies people ask,
what's your tipple?
And I have to admit,
I like a bit of slap and tickle.
I appreciate a film,
where at least they show the nipple;
And the snatch and the ass,
and the naughty body parts.
And the dudes can get laid,
and the girls can act like tarts;
When love relates to sex,
just as shit relates to farts.
Look, it's all a part of life,
and it rates off the charts,
And on a really good day,
it might even get me hard.
So then there's Fifty Shades of Grey
It looks like utter trash,
but I'll see it anyway.
How bad can it be?
I'll give Dakota's bod a look,
Even if it was based on,
a Twilight fan fiction book.
Now, Dak's a decent sort.
Slightly rough around the edges,
but she's a great sport!
She's just not that hot to me,
and I know you will retort,
But she's just not the kind of girl,
with whom I would consort.
(Chorus)
And I'm sorry if it ain't
what you wanna hear
But I am what I am,
and let me be clear.
It's not politically correct.
It's not s'posed to be.
Don't get a bat,
In your belfry.
And it's Fifty Shades of Grey,
Right, we're clear on that?
So what's Fifty Shades Darker?
One Shade of Black?
And I'm not being racist,
It's basic math.
I am not:
"Fifty shades of fucked up"
(Verse 2)
43 minutes,
until the first sex scene.
When the tits come out,
I'm like "where have ya been?"
Then I take a good look,
and I'm like "Put 'em back in!"
Sorry Daks, but what has been seen,
cannot be unseen!
Anastacia:
What a shrinking violet!
Whispering every line, like you're
stoned on auto-pilot.
You're playing a submissive,
but they're human, don't deride it.
Your acting's just as stiff,
as Grey's cock, as you ride it.
So you're Don Johnson's spawn?
Did you tell him:
"Dad, it's tasteful!
It's not porn!
It's art-is-an!
Look at the lighting!
It's legit!
Check how soft the shadows are,
while Christian clamps up my tits"
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not into slut shaming!
I fucking love sluts.
Don't believe they need taming,
But if you're gonna get your kit out,
show your body in it's glory,
Why not do it in a film,
that has a fucking story?
(Chorus)
At the end of the day,
I am not forlorn,
I saw boobs, and boobs,
get me on the horn,
But then again, I'd rather,
just watch some porn.
The dialog might even have less corn.
And it's Fifty Shades of Grey,
right, we're clear on that?
So what's Fifty Shades Darker?
One Shade of Black?
And I'm not being racist.
It's basic math.
I am not:
"Fifty shades of fucked up"
(Verse 3)
It might have been a more,
interesting take,
If you'd talked about elites
and their fucked up sexual tastes,
Showed their odd proclivities
and the symbols that they make
Hell, you coulda changed the name,
to Fifty Shades of #pizzagate!
But no!
It's boring boardroom smirks
And Christian Gray shirtless,
and acting like a jerk?
Portraying BDSM?
Understand it first!
Take a leaf out of
Gray's book and say:
"Fuck the paperwork!"
Worst crime?
This film wasn't necessary
It treads ground trodden better
by Shainberg's "Secratary".
So go watch Maggie G and James
simply light up the screen.
Mixing BDSM with abuse?
That's what's truly obscene!