My wife and I LOVED 28 Years Later so we couldn't wait to see the sequel 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple. Actually that is a lie because we missed it in theaters and then didn't even rent it when it was available for streaming. But now that it is on Netflix for free we jumped at our chance to watch it.
Actual footage me me screaming at myself for wasting time on this terrible movie.
Holy shit! Thank god we waited! This movie wasn't even worth my time let alone my money. It was absolutely horrible. The only redeeming quality was the fact that it had absolutely zero redeeming qualities so that I could come on here and report what an absolute piece of garbage it is. Far too many of my reviews are about movies I love. It makes it seem like I love everything. But I assure you, I do not like absolutely horrendous movies that are a complete waste of my time, energy and money.
I did not like a single thing about this movie. Not one. It is 100 minutes of absolutely unwatchable rubbish. Every single scene is either too gruesome, too boring, or too stupid to watch. My wife and I actually fast forwarded through a good twenty minutes of the movie and it still felt like torture watching it. It felt like someone was peeling the skin off my chest... oh wait not hat was in the movie. This is a movie about zombies and there are barely any zombie scenes in it... unless you count the one getting high on opiates and staring at the sky for half the movie. But there are plenty of scenes of humans being horrible monsters. And if you needed to be reminded how horrible humans can be, you're in luck because this movie will graphically show you.
More footage of me realizing I'll never get my 85 minutes back (luckily I fast forwarded through some of the garbage).
So that was the too gruesome part. Now onto the too boring. Did I mention the lack of zombies? So there is that problem plus the fact the movie is basically about people sitting around and talking before or after they do something gruesome. Oh there are also the scenes of a guy singing or speaking the lines of Duran Duran songs. No I am not kidding. And before someone tells me i am missing the point of the movie. No I am not. It was blatantly obvious that this is meant to be a deep philosophical delve into the line been humans and animals. Is the savage zombie becoming more human while a human is becoming more savage... oooo how fucking deep! People are bad and nature is good. I get it. No show me some fucking cool zombie shit! Nope. More talking.
Now onto the stupid. In the first movie both Spike and Dr, Kelson were rich, interesting, and smart characters. In this movie they are either a caricature of themselves... or simply nonexistent. Let's start with Ralph Fiennes Dr, Kelson. He has been smart enough to survive among zombies for 28 years but suddenly he is too dumb to outwith a few crazy Satan worshipers. OK. In addition, he doesn't even want to outwit them. He just wants to placate them so they can go on torturing and murdering people. Cool. But the cherry on top is the full Iron Maiden music video where Fiennes dances around and pretends to be Satan for about five full minutes while blaring an actual Iron Maiden song .... at least that's what it said on the bottom of my TV while as I was fast forwarding this bullshit. I am not kidding. That happened.
But here is the worst part of the entire movie. Fifteen year old Alfie Williams was absolutely brilliant as Spike in the first movie. He was one of the absolute highlights of 28 Years Later. I couldn't wait to see what this young actor would do next. Little did I know that what he would do next is... absolutely nothing. Even though he is more than half of the scenes in the movie, he only says about 20 words total. And this is not a John Wick 20 words. Most of the time he's just looking scared. He has also become the dumbest person alive during this time and pretty heartless. He simply can't figure out how to escape from a group of wacko Satan worshipers... even though the sleep outside and there are plenty of places to run to.
Me trying to figure out what the hell I just saw. Spoiler alert... it was a train wreck filled with dumpster fires.
I hate this movie so much that I want to disembowel it for five minutes. Oh wait no that was just in the movie.